#68: Jeff Koziatek - Seek Pebbles and Find Mountains

How does our focus on big wins set us up for failure?

How can you be confident without sounding arrogant?

Why is it self-destructive to identify ourselves and other by performance?

These and other confidence-boosting topics are addressed when peak performance coach Jeff Koziatek returns to The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.coreauthenticity.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffkoziatek/

Focusing on little wins sets us on the path for huge success.

Every time temptation comes, either we push back and get stronger or give in and stay as we are.  Over time, we develop the habit of pushing back or giving in.

Confidence without competence is not a recipe for success.

Ethical leadership acknowledges mistakes, takes responsibility, and looks for lessons and solutions.

Is there ever a time to reward failure?

Failure is the time when loyalty really reveals itself.

When the team manager ignores the demands of 40,000 fans.

Churchill:  Success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

Focusing on short-term wins often sabotages long term goals.

The word of the day:  Simulacrum [ sim-yuh-ley-kruhm ]
Superficial representation or likeness
Leaders whose top priority is the appearance of competence or power are not genuine leaders

Overvaluing performance can make us go out of our way to prove something that was never true to begin with.

Keep asking until you understand.  No one knows everything all the time.

Transcript

Margarita Gurri: 0:04

Welcome to the Rabbi and the Shrink. This is Dr. Margarita Gurri, the shrink. And this is my favorite Rabbi,

Yonason Goldson: 0:11

Yonason Goldson,

Margarita Gurri: 0:13

and together we have a repeat performer. We love Jeff, because it tech and he's an amazing leadership thinker. Guru. I keynoter started out juggling. Now he juggles leadership challenges. We last than we had him was around November, right this November, think so. And so in a few months, Jeff has come to some new understanding of ethics, communication and leadership. Welcome. Welcome on the Rabbi and the Shrink.

Jeff Koziatek: 0:47

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's so exciting to be back.

Margarita Gurri: 0:53

Well, we're just delighted. We couldn't get enough of you.

Jeff Koziatek: 0:59

Can Can you tell that to my wife? Yeah.

Margarita Gurri: 1:03

Bring her on. We'll tell her. All right, Shawn.

Yonason Goldson: 1:07

is more important. All right, you

Margarita Gurri: 1:09

a doctor's note. All right.

Jeff Koziatek: 1:10

Thank you. Thank you, you have to spend.

Margarita Gurri: 1:16

For just to remind everyone, Jeff is the mindset catalyst. He's his whole thing is core authenticity. In fact, that's his website, core authenticity.com. And in Facebook, that is his Facebook, and his name is his LinkedIn. And it's Jeff je FFKOZIATCTKOTK. Yes. Wrong. You're right, what? Te K,

Jeff Koziatek: 1:45

I read it wrong all the time.

Margarita Gurri: 1:47

Thank you very much, like get my name wrong from time to time. So I guess it was your turn.

Jeff Koziatek: 1:51

I just did a challenge last week. And I was trying to help people out say, Hey, here's a bunch of free resources on my website, go here. And I totally misspelled my website. You know, mistakes happen. I'm leading by by calling out my mistakes. And actually, I wanted to let you know, back in November, I was going with the mindset catalyst. But since then, it's changed.

Margarita Gurri: 2:23

Oh, what is it now?

Jeff Koziatek: 2:24

It's peak performance coach?

Margarita Gurri: 2:26

Oh, I saw that. I thought it was an addition.

Jeff Koziatek: 2:29

No, no. And here's the thing right in my head, I know what I do. I know why I do it. And I know the value of brings to my clients. But I have struggled to communicate, to clearly articulate what I do to other people. And I started working with, with another coach, to help me with my website with some other stuff back in December, right after we met.

Margarita Gurri: 2:53

Well, it looks really nice. I saw it. Oh,

Jeff Koziatek: 2:55

thank you, hey, I think she's amazing. But she really helped me to be able to articulate and communicate what I do to other people taking my 20 years of international award winning performance background, and now leveraging that to help coach performance in my clients as the way they perform where they show up at work and at home. And so it's been, it's been great.

Yonason Goldson: 3:18

That's a critical point. Because as coaches as speakers as trainers, as advisors. Yeah, we want to have a business want to make money, but we really want to help people. That's what defines us. That's our purpose. And it's only when we can clearly articulate what it is that is going to help people that we can really attract the people that we want to help. So it's it's intrinsic to the coaching and the speaking to frame what it is we do the value we provide in a way that lets people know what they can gain from us.

Jeff Koziatek: 4:01

Right, right. It was interesting, because a lot of people that know me really well. They're like, I know what you do. It's really clear what you do. It's so obvious. And then I talked to somebody that didn't know me, and she said, I have no idea what you do. And if we're trying to reach people and trying to effectively communicate what we're doing. I think it's important to step back and get an outside perspective. And take that into account. In my example. She would say, well, mindset catalyst. What the heck is those are those are two big words. And immediately, it takes people out of the engagement with me. And they're like, Okay, well now now I got to figure out what these two words mean, what they mean together, how does that apply to me? And I've put all these roadblocks in between us versus saying peak performance coach, I suppose we

Margarita Gurri: 4:59

get spam See? And my mindset catalyst is fancy. And I It sounds good, but you are a peak performance coach, I've seen a lot of your work. I think you do that. Certainly better than your average bear. I love Yogi Berra. Ooh, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, we're in a picnic basket. So tell us about I hear you just had a Confidence Challenge was it tell us about that?

Jeff Koziatek: 5:25

I did, we ran a five day confidence boost challenge on your phone. We use confidence for all kinds of things. When we communicate, when we're engaging in relationships when we're pursuing goals. And when we're facing challenges, you know, how we problem solve and think critically, like confidence is a big part of, of our everyday lives. And as you know, unfortunately, confidence is not not a static number. It changes it ebbs and flows, sometimes moment to moment. So I created this five day confidence boost challenge, using, believe it or not, habits from my book, blueprint for value, pulled out five habits that people could use to help boost their confidence. And it was amazing. It was amazing. We had micro coaching lessons, we had a wall of wins, where we could stack pebbles, I'm huge on focusing on the small stuff, everybody loves to look for the big mountains, right? I create I conquered this mountain. Now I have confidence. But as both of you know, those mountaintop experiences are those really big accomplishments. They don't come along super frequently. But those small wins, you can you can get a ton of those in a day. And so if we can shift our focus and start looking for those small pebbles to stack, those those little incremental steps, we can, we can start building massive mountains over time, and we can build a lot of confidence along the way. So we were stacking pebbles. We had gratitude. It was great. We were tapping into neuroscience, positive psychology and human connection to really push people forward and boost their confidence.

Yonason Goldson: 7:14

What you said about the little wins reminds me of one of my favorite rabbinic teachings. Rabbits say that at the end of a person's life, every person who will be shown his or her personal satan. They call the evil inclination. That sounds fun. Yeah. And a righteous person will see this mountain and wonder how did I ever conquer that mountain? And a wicked person will see this little smudge on the ground. And think, how come I could never overcome that? Ah, what commentaries explain that? How do you get to be righteous, because every time temptation comes, either we push it away, or we give into it. If we push it away, we get stronger. So when it comes back, it comes back a little bit stronger. And if we push it away, it comes back a little stronger than next time. So gradually over a lifetime, we get stronger and stronger and stronger, but we don't notice. Because it's happening so incrementally, right ever feels like anything dramatic is happening. And what's dramatic is the result when you can look back and see how far I came. How can I do it? One step at a time. But if temptation pushes me and I topple over, I give in, then doesn't have to come back harder the next time. No, I give it again. It just keeps coming back the same way. And we condition ourselves over time to either push back against those baser impulses that we all feel or to give into them. And that, that pattern that that those habits that we develop will determine what kind of lives we live and what we will see when we look back at the at our lives when we've gotten to the end.

Jeff Koziatek: 9:21

Absolutely. And you're talking about what you see. That's why I love pebbles. That's why it's habit 20 of my book stack pebbles, because if you're looking for those pebbles, if you're looking for the incremental steps, you'll find them but if you're just looking for the big mountains, you're gonna miss all of the stuff along the way. It's it's just like the m&m experiment right? The bag of m&ms you spill them out as some of the the count all the green m&ms once they're ready, like okay, you done yeah, great. How many red ones were there? Like? What? I wasn't, I wasn't looking for those. I missed all the red ones. So looking for the green ones, I think when we're talking about confidence, or we're talking about anything else, if we're, if we're not looking for those incremental positive steps forward, then it seems like we naturally want to look for all of the, the incremental, and the larger steps in the other direction. And we start seeing all the failure and all the shortcoming. And all of the big obstacles that we're facing, and we miss, we miss those little those little nuggets, those little gifts. That's great.

Margarita Gurri: 10:34

I think that's great. One of one of my pet peeves is when people want confidence without the competence that goes with it. Yeah. And I think that we will say, if I'm confident enough, I can do anything. But I think the rabbi has lots of stories talking about that. I mean, you can't just say, I can do this, and I'm going to do it, you have to have the skill sets and the mindsets to be able to do it. Which is why I like the way both you gentlemen talked about learning from the little steps, they're also less humbling, so we're less likely to pretend they didn't happen, and to lie to ourselves and say that it didn't happen, or we didn't learn from it, or it wasn't enough, or it means we're a failure. So let's talk about that. What are some of the ethical challenges in moving forward and growing as a leader? Jeff?

Unknown: 11:30

Wow.

Jeff Koziatek: 11:31

Well, there are a lot. You know, I was talking with somebody the other day about, about feeling confident, and their natural and confident as a leader, or you could fill in the blank with whatever, but we'll just focus on on leadership at the moment. And his response was, I can't talk positively about myself as a leader, or confidently about myself as a leader, because that'll come across arrogant and egotistical. And then I'll start, you know, I don't want people to see me that way. And it's going to affect our communication and all of that other stuff. And so, it seems to me, and this kind of ties back to what we talked about back in November, if a leader is looking for their worth, and their significance, and their identity in what they do in their performance, then that's when that's when we start tripping all over ethics, and a really ugly way. Because then if that's if our performance is the source of our worth, identity and, and significance, then then the arrogance comes through, it's if we're talking confidently about that, then it's I am the best I am the amazing, so somebody else has to be less than. And there's this competition comparison, versus see seem worth and significance and identity internally. And recognizing that that's full on a scale of zero to 10 a 10 all the time. And just like it's a 10. In me, it's a 10 in you, it's a 10 in in everybody. So then there is no comparison, there is no competition, there is no judgment, I recognize that my performance comes from what I do, does not define who I am. And I can say yes, I do that confidently. I can do that. Well, I lead well, whether I lead Well, or whether I make a mistake doesn't change my worth. And so when people I always say people hear your heart before they hear your technique, if you understand that your your your attend no matter what that that level is at your heart, then you see the 10 and other people, and they'll resonate with that and say, oh, yeah, he is he is a great leader. She is a fantastic coach. She is amazing at this, and the the arrogance and the the egotistical perspective goes to the side. What do you think,

Yonason Goldson: 14:07

for you, Dr. I understood correctly that there's a kind of challenge we face, that we want to use our own experiences, to inspire and educate others. And when we are when we are using our failures, that that can be very powerful. Especially if we learn the lessons of Yeah, but if we're using our successes, there is this fear that I'm going to sound like I'm bragging when it's not my intention to brag and simply want to demonstrate. Here's how I navigated a challenge and succeeded and finding the way to present that without It coming across as arrogant is often a daunting task. Yes,

Jeff Koziatek: 15:11

I'm sorry, you just you just tripped a trip to wire for me. Yeah. And so if we're, if we're talking about ethics, and we're talking about leadership, and we're talking about sharing what we do well, and then the mistakes along the way, because the mistakes are going to happen. I have been around a lot of organizations that when they make the mistake, because the leadership finds their worth and in their performance, they will hide the mistake, or they will not acknowledge the mistake. And they'll just acknowledge all the good things. See, were fantastic. Look at all the good we've, we've we've done, forget all the bodies, under the bus, just look at this. And I think if you take ethics and you put it back into leadership, then I don't know, if you happen to have a book like this, and you turn to have it 45 Pay once read up here at the top in one sentence, acknowledge what happened, own or take responsibility for your part, accept the consequences, reconcile the relationship move forward together, that's powerful. I think that's a that's a direct out flow of ethics and leadership. If you if you take ethics out of leadership, then to acknowledge is a little scary, and then we just want to move on. And then we skip owning our part, we skip accepting the consequences, and we skip trying to repair or reconcile the relationship.

Margarita Gurri: 16:51

Wow, my heart did a skip when you said take the ethics out of leadership. All I could think about is supervillains. Right? Yeah, not not a pretty sight. The rabbi and I were talking the other day, we did a presentation. And we both agree that the biggest mistakes with ethical leadership are in how we handle potential conflicts or potential ethical dilemmas, and also the mistakes we make with them, that everyone's going to make mistakes. No one's perfect. And sometimes things are unclear. And we don't always understand the best way. And sometimes our even our advisors don't agree. And so we go away that we think, Oh, I should have had a V eight instead and on this other thing. So I think so Rob, I'd like you to address that issue about the ethics of,

Yonason Goldson: 17:50

of mistakes. There's, there's a really fascinating biblical verse like to get both your takes on the psychology of the practical leadership applications of this. But it says when the when I may not be quoting it exactly, probably not, but essentially

Margarita Gurri: 18:10

hold you accountable.

Yonason Goldson: 18:14

For when a wolf tears one of the sheep don't keep the meat for yourself, but throw it to the dog. This is a biblical verse. And what's underlying it? There's a lot of technical, legal stuff, and we're gonna get into that. Think about for a moment. Why did the wolf or how did the wolf get to the sheep got past the dog, the dogs job is to protect the flock. So if the dog didn't protect the flock, that means the dog failed. If the dog failed, why am I rewarding the dog by giving it the carcass? Isn't that just reinforcing bad behavior. And the underlying lesson is know if the dog has been doing its job, and presumably it has right would have gotten the new dog by now. That dog does its job, inevitably it's going to fail from time to time. So when the dog fails, instead of beating it, punishing it, reprimanding it, that's the moment to acknowledge all the successes that have led up to that point. And to show the dog I still have confidence in you. I still believe in you. I'm not going to punish you because I know you do the job most of the time. And if this would translate into leadership among humans, not just for their dogs, that once when we see people fail, and they will Put it in the context of all the successes that preceded that failure, and voting that increase confidence, and loyalty and trust and be a sign of real ethical leadership. Yeah,

Jeff Koziatek: 20:16

that totally reminds me of a conversation I had with Todd Welch. A while back. Tyrell used to be a relief pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. And he was the closer and at the time, the manager was a guy named Whitey Herzog. And Todd was an amazing relief pitcher, he came in, he closed it out through amazing fast balls super fast. And, you know, he's human. So inevitably, he's gonna make mistakes. Or he might fall into a slump. And there was a time when he just wasn't hitting his mark. And he was given up a lot of runs, and they were losing games, and YT kept him in the game. And all the fans are screaming, take them out, put in somebody else going for that immediate knee jerk reaction, we have to take care of this now. And while he was on, on a new station talking about it, and they asked him, like, what are you gonna do with? What are you gonna do with Todd, and he said, Well, Todd's are closer. I believe in him. He's got great stuff. And I hope he gets his act together soon.

Margarita Gurri: 21:30

Good leadership support. Right

Jeff Koziatek: 21:33

in the middle of all of the pressure from 10s of 1000s of fans screaming for him to take Todd out. He held on to that ethical leadership, reinforced his belief in Todd, I'm behind you, I've got your back. I know you can do this. And he gave him that, that safe space to figure this stuff out. And then he was able to turn the ship. Just like what you're talking about?

Margarita Gurri: 22:01

No, I love that. Well, in the psychological world of leadership, I have the privilege of learning with and from lots of leaders are facing various challenges. And what I've seen an interesting trend in the last 10 years is more and more than leaders, when they're facing someone who has underperformed or made a huge mistake. They're more likely if the person who made the mistake acknowledges the mistake, tells them right away shows loyalty over their own ego. To keep the person because they figure they're learning, and they're sharing. And I liked that idea of feeding the dog at the end. And I I think that there's a bit of loyalty, but it established a psychological safety for an atmosphere of learning, creativity, brainstorming, well, that didn't work. Isn't it just as important to know what doesn't work as opposed to what does?

Jeff Koziatek: 23:07

I think so? Don't they say that growth happens in discomfort?

Margarita Gurri: 23:12

Allegedly? And yeah, I think that growth certainly doesn't happen if we're still struggling to stay in our little cozy status quo, even if it's a less than optimal status to be in. Yeah. And Churchill

Yonason Goldson: 23:29

defined success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

Margarita Gurri: 23:34

I forgotten that's a good one rabbit was failing, failing,

Yonason Goldson: 23:37

we learn most from our failures. Yes, we do mean that we should set ourselves up to fail. No, it means when failure does inevitably happen. What can we learn? What should we learn? How can we not repeat the same mistakes over? Wow,

Jeff Koziatek: 23:54

a lot of my coaching is built on helping people see that they are the performer, not their performance. And I think when our leadership gets caught up, and focused only on the performance, it is deadly scary, to step back and take an honest assessment of what's going on. And to be real with those missteps. Real enough so that we can face them, acknowledge them and learn from them. And it's so much more tempting to just focus on all the positive and ignore all the other stuff. And then ethics goes as you

Margarita Gurri: 24:32

write. And that's when a lot of high performers when they start to fail, end up cheating, lying, pretending, blaming other people, etc. Because they've learned to align their success and happiness from a metric of the outcome, which you're talking about the performance rather than as performers that are continually growing. So I think that's a lovely thought.

Yonason Goldson: 24:56

Their quarterly earnings are insidious. Have you just focused on the short term wins, often at the expense of long term strategy? Absolutely. And you know, there plenty of examples to point to of companies or businesses that had went after win after win and then collapsed, because it was all smoke and mirrors. Yep.

Margarita Gurri: 25:22

Yeah, not all that glitters is gold apparently. Wait, what? What are your ears setting so? Well, so one of the thoughts I had now is maybe the rabbi can do the word of the day. And when you come back, I really want to address what are the takeaways? Because I think you have a message for performance that everyone needs to hear. What are the tech takeaways you want to reinforce? And then we'll also ask you about your next adventure. Rabbi, if you would mind with the word of the day, word of the day? Yes, sir.

Yonason Goldson: 25:58

Really hard to pronounce. Like most of yours? Well, I'm going to do my best even if I fit. See Mula kromm

Margarita Gurri: 26:11

Say that three times Okay, weren't

Yonason Goldson: 26:12

kidding, I can see, the crown in Mula kromm is a visual, it's superficial representation, or likeness. And what we've been talking about are individuals in leadership positions who are not authentic leaders. It's it's one thing to have the title to have position, the authority of the power. But it's something completely different to be a leader. And when you see leaders who have that remarkable blend of confidence, and humility, who aren't afraid to take responsibility, who aren't afraid to give credit and share credit, aren't afraid to ask questions, ask advice, change course when necessary. Those are the those are the real leaders who inspire what has become called followership. And make people feel they're members of a team. I shouldn't even phrase it that way. They create teams, where every member is participant is valued, has the opportunity to use his or her unique skills and contribution and abilities to contribute to the overall goal. There are a lot of fakes out there. A lot of invitations. There are a lot of stimulant Chrome's

Margarita Gurri: 27:57

See, Jeff, this is what you inspired. This is a good one. What do you have to say about this and mula crown? Did I say it right, Rabbi?

Yonason Goldson: 28:07

That sounded good to me.

Jeff Koziatek: 28:09

No, no, you can you can you break that down? Because I want to be able to say that right? And you love

Yonason Goldson: 28:14

him. You like Chrome?

Margarita Gurri: 28:17

So you like Chrome? You like chrome

Yonason Goldson: 28:19

suggests going on dictionary.com and listening to the click that little microphone or speaker button they have there.

Jeff Koziatek: 28:27

So that assumes I know how this will work. I

Yonason Goldson: 28:31

can even do it for us now. Actually. Yeah, that'd

Margarita Gurri: 28:33

be a good idea. Here we go. Make sure you share it with the sound click.

Yonason Goldson: 28:38

Okay. Listen, carefully. Simulate Chrome, simulate Chrome,

Margarita Gurri: 28:43

simulate Chrome. All right.

Yonason Goldson: 28:46

Now we know and knowing

Margarita Gurri: 28:49

that brings me to an interesting thought how many people are embarrassed to try something and make a mistake whether it's pronouncing something or whatever it it's, and I think leaders have to embrace the not knowing and making mistakes in order to try new things. It's it's fun that you asked for that because so many people were pretending to get it. I'm too old to pretend to get it because I just don't get something so I don't pretend anymore, but it's a different matter. So Jeff, what do you have to say about say it again the right way because I already forgot in your late chrome simulate Chrome

Yonason Goldson: 29:25

but the saliva on the right was

Jeff Koziatek: 29:30

a crow. Oh my gosh, it talking with you all is is amazing. There are so many different directions to go. Your wisdom and knowledge and perspective and humility and willingness to engage and be curious is just off the charts right? We

Yonason Goldson: 29:48

charge such high fees

Jeff Koziatek: 29:55

let's get back to work. You know, I, I'm reminded of something I heard Dr. Carl Ellis once say, he was talking about the Christian church, and, and God, and he was talking about how God is supposed to be the head of the church. And so God is on top, and then churches underneath and churches supporting and pointing to God. And he talked about how a lot of churches have flipped it. And now they're using God to support the church. And so it's all about the organization, the structure. And when it's like that, that's when things get really unhealthy. And you have a lot of issues, and no ethics, lots of issues, no ethics. And I think that this this concept of, you know, what's on top and what is serving bad, or what is supporting that is, is really important to keep in mind when we're looking at performer or performance. Are you is, is your performance you or does it come from you or us, or it allows you the freedom and the flexibility to change. When a leader looks for their worth and significance in their performance in the organization, then course correcting isn't an option, we have to hold on to the way we've always done things. Because if we change it, then that foundation will fall apart. But if it comes from you, then you can change and your foundation remains solid. And then you start doing something else. I think when you make a mistake, you can go in a different direction, because your foundation is solid, when it comes to learning something new. And I see this all the time when whenever I try to teach people how to juggle, they'll throw the balls in the air, and they'll drop something and they'll look at the mistake and say, See, I can't do it. That's evidence that I am a failure or that this is a really bad idea. To be able to help them shift their perspective and pick the ball up and try again, see the mistake for what it is not who they are, allows them to keep moving forward. But sometimes if they're really entrenched in their performance identity, then they will start making mistakes, almost on purpose. Just to prove that it's not going to work and that this is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea. And, and that's I think one of the things that makes me really sad when people go out of their way to prove something that was never really there in the first place. Because like we've been talking about everybody makes mistakes, things are changing all the time. There's a whole bunch of new stuff out there. And if I may, there's this book out there called blueprint for value. And Habit number 33 is ask. And the idea is that you keep asking until you reach understanding. And like what you were talking about earlier, people typically don't ask until they understand because their identity is in their performance and in their ability to know all things all the time. But if we're able to step back and see that we're more than our knowledge, or more than all of that, then we can ask and we can come at things with curiosity, and an offer that, that psychological safety as we as we engage

Margarita Gurri: 33:44

and go beyond the shame of making mistakes, because some people because of the way they were raised in the various experiences in their lives, believe there's no shame to not doing something well the first time so then they never learned to paint. They never learned to juggle. They never learned because they cannot. They've been told that being smart means you get things right away. Instead, it's good to say you try so hard. our effort, our performance needs to be enhanced by the attitude, that it is our effort that matters, not just the outcome.

Jeff Koziatek: 34:18

Right? That's the growth mindset stuff with Carol Dweck. Yes, yeah. Yeah. And recognizing that that changes on a daily basis. You know, like, Can Can we get really personal first, or second? Go for it? Um, I think it was in 2014. My wife and I were trying for a third child. And that's where we ran into miscarriages. We'd never had miscarriages before. We thought it was super easy. I was so frustrated because it was super easy. And then we tried for our third child and it just wasn't working. We tried for a long time we finally got pregnant and and then she had a miscarriage being full. It was and I didn't understand the whole process until we went through it. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm looking at my two, two kids, I'm seeing the potential. And I'm like, Oh, this is this is incredibly devastating. She was devastated. And I was devastated. And then we got pregnant again, right away. And then we had another miscarriage. So we had back to back miscarriages in just a handful of months, y'all, I'm sorry. And then I went into my busy performing season, where I was doing 200 shows in three months in front of pregnant moms, newborns, nursing moms, that's a crazy schedule. It was a crazy schedule. And it put me in front of hundreds of 1000s of examples of what we had just lost. And in all of those cases, if I was not doing well, I know we talked a lot about the moms and we should. And as a father, I was not at my best. And my clients expected 100% of my best the audience's expected my best. And I just I didn't have it. And so for me, if I was looking at my looking at my worth and identity and my performance, that would have been a really rough summer, because I was going to fall short, recognizing that, that my best effort in those days was less than the day before. And for me, it was about praying and leaning into God to make up the gap. And just standing on my foundation, as a performer who was i i am the responsible, reliable, loyal, controlled, empathetic and creative man. Like that's what I'm standing on. And I'm going to do the best I can with what I've got today, it might be more might be less than yesterday or tomorrow doesn't matter. I'm just doing the best with what I've got. And if I stand on that foundation, then I can weather all of the challenges and unforeseen circumstances that are that are coming my way.

Margarita Gurri: 37:12

Does that make sense? It does. So I'm I'm very sorry for your loss. What a terrible experience. But certainly you're sharing in such a way that will benefit the Toltecs or the indigenous people in Mexico. That was the basis for their philosophy and wisdom basis are the Four Agreements. One of their four agreements is do your best, but not better than your best. Now I'm butchering it. Because I can butcher any quote better than no one's business. But it's the idea that in that moment, it was your best. And maybe part of the process of sharing why your best changed in level was part of the process of where you are now, teaching people, so you certainly put it to good use.

Yonason Goldson: 38:01

There a lot of ways to frame it, you say always do your best, well, sometimes you just can't then always try to do your best. Sometimes you can't do that, then try to try to do your best. And as far as it goes, it's that sincere effort to make the best of the situation, whatever the situation is. And recognizing that sometimes we just don't have the resources to be able to reach the level that we could under ideal circumstances.

Margarita Gurri: 38:32

And that's the advantage of having powerful people in our lives that will step in and say, look, I think it's time for you to take a break. You need to heal you need to be home without why for years and the two kids that are home, the dog and the cat and the mule, whatever you have there.

Jeff Koziatek: 38:49

A mule.

Margarita Gurri: 38:51

I had to add it. I mean, it's just fun. So the one of my friends was bottom you will that's why I was thinking about. So I don't know why don't ask me, but

Yonason Goldson: 39:01

they did. It's your phone.

Margarita Gurri: 39:02

Yeah. My friends are insisting What can I say? But so then the issue is, I think, sometimes we don't know, when we're underperforming to such an extent. Because we're denying that we need a break. And sometimes it's the people around us who love us and who know us they can say you know, rethink Yes.

Jeff Koziatek: 39:28

Yes. I I have a talk called unshakable. You know, how to have confidence and uncertainty and it's built on three things. It's having a compass, understanding who you are, and that that's got a bunch of different pieces, having the mindset to take the action where the compasses pointing to go. But then the third part is that fellowship is that team and recognizing that you need all three like a three legged stool to be able to stand firm in any kind of a storm, that the club Bonus points to true north in any situation, the mindset is the fuel to go there, and the team is to help hold you sustainable, because there will be times when your mindset will shift. And when your mindset shifts, you can drop your compass and forget who you are and what you're all about. And you don't see that you need to take a break. And if you don't have a team behind you, or around you to be that has permission to speak into your life, then you are flailing Yeah, a long time, and there's a lot of extra collateral damage. So have that team around you. I think there's a habit about that in some book, it's gonna say it's right here. Fellowship, number 26.

Yonason Goldson: 40:45

As you can see, what's really impressive, Jeff, is that you know, the contents of your book. Well, I live in fear that people are going to ask me about the things that I've written because it sort of goes out through my brain out my fingertips into the keyboard and then disappears. Search for it, when I want to find it. Again, you've got all this right on your fingertips, it's very impressive.

Margarita Gurri: 41:09

It is impressive, and you're putting it to work. Alright, so what are some takeaways that the listening audience can be blessed by so they they can achieve peak performance?

Jeff Koziatek: 41:24

Or were there some? Well, if we're going to boil it down in into nuggets, I really please, I would use the nugget, you know, you see mistakes for what they are not who you are. If you're identifying yourself by your mistake, is the temptation to hide them and then to be unethical. goes, goes crazy high. So see, mistakes are what they are not who you are. People hear your heart before they hear your technique. If your heart is right, if you know the source of your your worth, your significance, your identity, if it's in you, the performer, not in your performance, that will that will bleed through. And so when you make a mistake, the mistake Tech has the potential to have less of a negative impact than otherwise, because they'll connect with your heart. And they'll be able to see past that. And they're more likely to offer grace and forgiveness. At least that's been my experience.

Margarita Gurri: 42:38

That's a beautiful takeaway advice. Thank you. And so, Rabbi, unless you have a comment on it, is it time to ask him about his next adventure?

Yonason Goldson: 42:46

I think it is,

Margarita Gurri: 42:47

sir. next adventure.

Jeff Koziatek: 42:49

next adventure? Well, I'm glad you asked. So, so we, so this book, I wrote it back in 2018, the sequel, so this is blueprint for value, how to discover and strengthen your personal worth, are 52 habits to help you do all of that the sequel is 52 habits to reveal and strengthen personal worth and others. So the sequel is coming. It's 52 abbacy. When? Well, that's a great question. I was I was going to start on that earlier this year. And then we got sidelined with some some medical challenges personally, which then birth another book. So there are two books The sequel is outlined. But what I recognize it to high high vision, right, the My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in February. And we thought it was stage two, and then it was downgraded stage one, and we are aggressively fighting it. And going through all of that stuff. Yeah, good news. It is good news. And when I was sharing that with people, a lot of people wanted to come alongside and help, but they are inadvertently heaping more hurt on the situation. And I think it's because they just didn't, they just didn't know any better. So back in 2020, I published this 1000 word essay called the pit. And it was how the six steps to empathy and going through this cancer experience has made me realize that I need to expand on that into a book. So I'm writing a new book about how we can help people who are in pain. It's called the 10, tentatively the the hurting the healing in the helping and so it will be part my experience and with various pain situations of what I've learned. And then the second part is how do we offer healing and then how do we help? How do we take those six steps that inadvertently cause more hurt, and then how do we restore them and actually use them to help. So those are those are the two big things coming out, we've got more the Confidence Challenge is going to become a quarterly thing. And I preorder

Yonason Goldson: 45:17

the empathy book. You know, it's, it's, I think, something that many of us suffer from, that when we see people in pain, we want to reach out. Yeah. And we don't know how. I mean, I've seen people who are really good at it. And I haven't managed to absorb much of that. And sometimes we'll just stay silent, or we'll stay at a distance, because we're afraid we're going to cause more harm, right, by saying the wrong thing. Or this thing causes more harm and say the wrong thing and do cause harm. So it's incredibly valuable project. And really wish you success with that and

Margarita Gurri: 45:57

keep us can we find the essay? In the meantime, before we can preorder? Where do we find the essay?

Jeff Koziatek: 46:03

The essay is called. It's in an anthology called bright spots, which is available on Amazon, I will. If your listeners would like a PDF version of that,

Margarita Gurri: 46:17

please do send it to us. And we'll include it in the show notes. Sure,

Jeff Koziatek: 46:21

I'll do that. So it'll be in the show notes, bro. Thank

Yonason Goldson: 46:24

you, if you listening, and there's another essay in that book that might be of interest to people, I know somebody who wrote it,

Jeff Koziatek: 46:30

some to some rabbi in there. It's worth

Yonason Goldson: 46:33

looking at least at least two essays that are worth reading. There are a lot of essays and there are a lot of essays worth reading.

Margarita Gurri: 46:42

Well, I can't wait to read them both. Although Rabbi, I do believe I've read parts of yours already. So and that was always very thoughtful. Well, you know what, it's been a delight having you on Jeff, and we can't wait to have you back on again. As we will be thinking wonderful thoughts about your adventures and about your journey with your wife's healing as well. wish her well. And I'll I'll put in some, I'll do a rosary for her. I'm Catholic. I like my rosary. I'm not going to apologize for it. I'll do a rosary for you all.

Jeff Koziatek: 47:15

I very much. Appreciate that.

Yonason Goldson: 47:17

Yeah. Thanks so much for being with us, Jeff, and for sharing your wisdom and your your personal challenges and inspiring us to to make more of our own missions in our own lives.

Margarita Gurri: 47:30

And if you need a team, the rabbit and I are never short, that opinion. We're always delighted to to help you think or rethink things that would be a privilege for us. So thank you all for this other episode of The rabbi in the shrink. And we will see you soon. Thank you.

Unknown: 47:50

Thank you for listening to the rabbi and the shrink every day ethics unscripted, two book Dr. redshield, Dr. Margarita Guri, or Rabbi Jonas and Goldson as speakers or advisors for your organization, contact them at the rabbi and the shrink.com. This has been a doctor Red Shoe production