#32: Breeda Miller - Care for others by caring for yourself

Why is self-care a moral and ethical imperative?

What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

What can we do to restore our collective faith in one another?

These and other critical questions are addressed when self-care expert Breeda Miller joins the Rabbi and the Shrink

https://breedamillerspeaking.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/breedamiller/

1:00 Is self-care an ethical issue?

Take a break before you break

Only by taking care of ourselves can we take care of and be of service to others

You can only love others in proportion to how we love ourselves

4:00  “What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?”

There may be dreams we didn’t pursue that we still have time to realize

Can you tell your own story in a way that inspires others?

10:30  Stories provide the context that make information relevant

Simple stories often have the most profound impact and meaning

This generation is having a crisis of faith in one another, in ourselves, and in our future

What can we do to restore our collective faith?

We have to listen to what’s really important, to the story within the story

Taking care of ourselves helps us see through the fog

15:30 The problem with being outcome oriented is that we end up feeling frustrated unless we get the outcome we want and until we get the outcome

The journey really is the destination

Be kind with the truth

20:30 We have to practice what we preach

Don’t feel guilty acknowledging our own limitations

“I can do a year’s work in 9 months but not in 12 months”

Rest and recreation are not a break from work, they are part of the work

Self-care is a moral and ethical imperative

25:00 Mediation feels like a waste of time but it is essential maintenance

We need to take care of ourselves to ensure the quality of others’ experience with us

28:30  If you were given a gift of 4 hours, what would you do?

Take a walk, call a friend, read a book, go for a run, get a massage -- then find a way to do it

Short term goals for self care will help us reach our long term goals

Make a list of 2-minute, 5-minute, 10-minute activities so you’ll be ready to take advantage of opportunities when they arise

34:30  Word of the day:  symbiosis

We want to be interdependent without being codependent

It’s not good for us to be alone, even though sometimes we need to be alone

The balance between nurturing ourselves and nurturing others creates a tension that we have to continuously manage

38:00 The Doctors formula for self-care: SCHEMTT

Sleep -- the right amount in the right conditions

Compassion -- for ourselves and others

Humor -- the kind that is kind

Exercise -- simple movement

Meaning -- a sense of purpose contextualizes everything else in our lives

Touch -- physically and emotionally

Take a break when you need one

Transcript

Margarita Gurri: 0:04

Welcome to the rabbi in the street. I'm Dr. Margarita Gurri. The shrink. And here is

Yonason Goldson: 0:11

Yonason Goldson,

Margarita Gurri: 0:13

and he's the rabbi if you may have guessed, and today we're delighted and honored to have with us, Breeda Miller. Hi Breeda,

Breeda Miller: 0:20

Hi there

Yonason Goldson: 0:21

overdue.

Margarita Gurri: 0:22

Well, I invited Brita for two reasons. One is right now everyone is fed up, overwhelmed, overburdened, they're traumatized either directly or vicariously. And it's got us all just exhausted and with impaired function in many ways. And Brito, for one thing went on impaired which is tell from time to time I call Brita because she's one of my my favorite girlfriends, and I'll call her talk to her and she always impairs, improves my impaired judgment. So she's one of my go to people and the rabbit as well. So the other thing is, she's an expert in caregiving. So Greta, what does it have to do caregiving self care? What does that have to do with ethics?

Breeda Miller: 1:09

Well, I think it has a tremendous amount to do with ethics. Really, so many people who are in the role of caregiver question whether they whether it is the right thing to do, which is my layman's definition of ethics, the right thing to do? Is it the right thing to do to take time to take care of myself when there's so many other people that need so many things? And so much from me? Isn't it selfish of me to take time to take care of myself, and they then get caught in an ethical dilemma of what is the right thing to do?

Margarita Gurri: 1:49

And there's been a lot of studies that talk about businesses that adopt the idea that working more and longer hours is better for you. But in truth, the research shows us not true. So if there were going to be wise retailer, what would do we need to tell everyone at home, in the communities, in the schools and in business, about self care? What do they need to know?

Breeda Miller: 2:13

Well, my go to phrase is simply take a break before you break, to be pre emptive. If you take care of yourself, you are going to have the mental agility, the physical ability to be present, and to be your best self, not what is left of you. So when you take a break before your break, you're positioning yourself to be more effective, to be more successful, and to not lose yourself in the process of caring for others.

Yonason Goldson: 2:45

And what so, so, so many things in life and the human condition, there's what appears to be a paradox here is that we are we are individuals living as part of a community, we want to be of service to others, and we want to make our purpose to serve others. But at the same time, we have to look after our own needs. And so in in Scripture itself, says you will guard your soul. That's not merely a spiritual mandate. It's a physical mandate. There's an obligation to eat healthy, to get enough activity to be totally healthy lifestyle to get enough sleep at night. And of course, the one everybody knows, love your neighbor as yourself, why is it phrased that way? Because First, you have to love yourself. And you can only love others in proportion to the degree to which you love yourself, which means I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not showing self love, and therefore I can't be of use to anybody else. Absolutely.

Margarita Gurri: 3:52

COVID hit Breeda did something unusual. Please share with us your journey. I mean, I just love what you did COVID hit your business got turned upside down your life got terms on town? Share, please your thinking because I think that that if people can grasp that, then they can make it happen for themselves.

Breeda Miller: 4:09

Well, I just one day I just stopped and I thought oh, I was stressing out about the lack of business and how we couldn't travel and all the things that we could not do. And I thought what is something I can do? And I asked myself a really important question. What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail? And I stepped back and I thought what what are my dreams? What what are things that have if I knew I couldn't fail? What would I do? And I flashback to my my high school self when I won a theater scholarship. And I thought of becoming an actor. And I thought, yeah, it would it would be good. It would be fun. It would be great but the price was high. The price was high to pay to become a successful actor and I really didn't want to pay that price. I wanted to have a life With a relationship and a family and a home and and wasn't willing to make those sacrifices, so put that on the backburner. But I, when I was thinking about this question of what's in my heart, and what would I like to do, I realized, I want to write a one woman show, and I want to travel all over the country all over the world performing it. And not just any kind of bit of entertainment fluff, although it would be fluffy and funny as well. But what could really help people? What could I take the cumulative experience of my life, my education, my experiences, my skills, and funnel this into one project, that might really help someone. And so that's what I've done for the last six months. And it's been a process I've been developing it and doing it very methodically. And instead of focusing on the end product, one of the important things I'm doing is I'm focusing on the process, and really enjoying the process every day as it unfolds. And it's absolutely amazing.

Margarita Gurri: 6:06

It's been wonderful watching her too, as she had this idea, and we're in a mastermind with our friend, Marilyn subtle, in the three of us. It just felt like one of those God moments, the clouds opened up and the sun was shining, and the angels were dancing on the head of a pin and all of that stuff, right. And it just felt so right because Brita helps share her wisdom with everyone. And for many people who don't understand the intricacies of how do you find your way back from being overwhelmed? Her simple ideas and her story. So this story hits home. So Robert, if you don't mind, I'd like her to tell now about Mrs. Kelly's journey home,

Yonason Goldson: 6:52

please.

Breeda Miller: 6:53

So the name of the evolved, I thought of lots of different ideas. And I've had a pretty interesting life sometimes. Interesting, good, interesting, bad. You know, I mean, things that have happened, things that I've overcome is the way that I would look at it. And I really wasn't sure which way this play the show was going to go. It ended up being Mrs. Kelly's journey home. And each of those words are really intentional. Mrs. Kelly is my mother. And she was a you know, a delightful sparkplug of a lady but most people called her Mrs. Kelly, and she preferred to be called Mrs. Kelly. And the word journey to me is just an important concept of process. And that we're all on different journeys. Some are intentional, some are accidental, some are serendipitous, and home, what home is one of the most important concepts for people to to know, a home can be a physical place, that can be a mindset, it can be something that we all want, we all aspire to it. So the title is Mrs. Kelly's journey home. And it is a story of my family's emigration from Ireland to America, about them becoming Americans and all the shenanigans literally that ensued. It is the story of my journey to becoming a mother through infertility, and then international adoption. And then most importantly, my journey as my mother's caregiver as she declined and her in her old age into dementia, and then through hospice and end of life care. But the wonderful thing is the the up note that the show ends on is that her ultimate journey home to heaven, and how she shares her. I describe her as an ordinary woman who had an extraordinary outlook on life, that she had great faith in God and in herself. And that pretty much is where I start off the show. And we just let it rip for 90 minutes. And I think and I my hope is the stories that I tell are they're funny, they're engaging, they might make your eyes leak a little bit, you know, but, but that they are memorable. And that that, as we all know, from the parables, that that's the most effective way to teach that people will remember, you know, bullet points are great statistics are wonderful. But if they jumbled together or people don't remember them, what good does that do? But a good story that sticks in people's hearts and in their minds can change their behavior and can change their life.

Margarita Gurri: 9:49

And the world premiere is going to start in Michigan because we're in Michigan. Yeah, Rita and I both and it's going to be sometime probably late October s Stay tuned, I put the link in the chat, Mrs. Kelly's journey home with no apostrophe.com. You can also just go to breed a Miller calm and breed is v r e da Miller. So that's wonderful. Can I share?

Yonason Goldson: 10:18

I'm so glad you shared that with us.

Breeda Miller: 10:20

Thank you so so that is kind of the, my closer. It is the story of how I eased my mom's anxiety, the end of her life. And basically, I created a ticket to heaven for her.

Margarita Gurri: 10:36

Sorry, Rabbi, in my excitement I stepped on your words, go for what I know us doing

Yonason Goldson: 10:42

there? Yes. There are, there are a couple of points that you made that that I think are really worth drawing out. You know, and you certainly don't want to sell us here on the Paris story. Now, that's our stock and trade. And I know we've probably all been present for programs where there's a tremendous amount of data. And perhaps, slide after slide after slide or bullet points, information, it's all valuable. And then when it's all over, it's been every member, one single thing that was said, No, it's just, it's just gone. The stories create the context, that make the information relevant. And we all have stories, there's a there's a feeling that we have to live lives of great drama, a great adventure, a great excitement, the brilliance of some storytellers who can take a seemingly innocuous event and turn it into something that has drama, and tension and meaning. It's, it's something that we should all try to learn from, because we can all find those stories within ourselves. The other thing you mentioned, you talked about your mother's faith. And, and I would suggest that, that this generation, we're having a crisis and face. And not only faith in God, we're having a crisis in faith in one another. And a crisis of faith in ourselves, and a crisis of faith in the future, and the hope that the future holds. Do you have a, a, an approach for us to strengthen our faith that will help us get through these difficult times?

Breeda Miller: 12:40

I don't want to be presumptuous. But I, I do think that that is the message in this play. And this idea of taking ordinary moments, but looking at them through an extraordinary lens. One of there's a couple of really, my favorite stories are in this and one is about the time that I made an apple pie with my mother. And she was really failing. And I was exhausted and overwhelmed. And just so busy and caught up with all the things that I needed to do and keeping on schedule. And she wanted to make an apple pie. And I am not gifted with pie. I'm pie impaired. And the pie is not my best thing. And she wanted to do it and I was resisting, resisting resisting and didn't do it. And ultimately, ultimately I did. And it was with an external person who said Brita, you got to make the damn pie. But anyway, I ultimately made the pie with her. And at the end, she just sat there. And she said, this is the best pie I ever made. And I felt so ashamed. Because I had let all the external things, the schedules and all the things that I thought were so important to do. Get in the way and close my vision. And when I got some clarity and said, I needed to listen to what she needed, I needed to listen to what was really important. And it wasn't about the pie. It was about making the pie. And ultimately for me, it was about not having regrets. So when I think about caregiving and self care, if you can have the presence of mind to think outside yourself and to put yourself in someone else's position and try to understand what do they really need? What does this situation really need, and get out of my own head about all this stuff that I think they need? And that I think is important. It's, it just can make all the difference in the world. It's about dignity of others. It's about respecting and at the end of the day, of not having regrets to say you know what, I I'm proud of myself, I am happy that I made those choices. And right now, it's very hard to see through the fog of all the stuff that is coming at us 24 seven. And I think if we're able to have that presence of mine to take care of ourselves so that we can try to get some clarity and make those decisions that that are about what is really important. And honor the ordinary honor the ordinary thing, it doesn't have to be climbing a mountain, but maybe doing something special today for yourself, and then being able to do something special for others, that that's how we get to quality of life. Does that answer what you were thinking?

Yonason Goldson: 15:48

I think so I particularly like the the point that you make about, it's not about the outcome. And it's because such a cliche, you know, it's the journey, it's not the destination, it's the process, not the outcome. But of course, cliches become cliches, because they're true. And we're our society has become so outcome focused. And the problem with that is that until you reach the outcome, you don't feel you've accomplished anything. And if you fall short of the outcome, then you feel like you've wasted your time. When so much of it is the effort, and the intent, and recognizing that we really don't control the outcomes. There's so many factors involved. And that all we can do is the best we can do. And if it's the best we can do, then that's enough. And that's the best we can do on any given day, right? Yeah.

Margarita Gurri: 16:47

That's true. And each day is different. One thing I've learned from Rita Rita, held through big hearted stories. for seniors, she held this wonderful series of workshops on storytelling. And one of the things I learned from Greta and Brian Cox was, for me, my interpretation is, is a stories our life and love. As a psychologist, I've always known, but I didn't think of it in these terms. That how we tell the story of anything past, present future, changes the past, present and future, our perspective of it changes the possibilities. So being kind about it or being honest about it. being generous, I think that I see many people part of their self care is to deny that something happened, or to take the blame 100% is theirs, neither of which is self care. So there's a business failing or failing in a marriage or failing raising a kid or a failing and how we drive or whatever. I think part of self care is being kind with the truth in a way that we can accept what really happened. And then we can move forward. Bree to put together two books that I think are brilliant, take a break before you break. And you want to talk a little bit about that briefly read,

Breeda Miller: 18:10

it is a book, half of it is about mindset. Because so many times we have to give ourselves permission to take a break. Because for many reasons, we might think that it's selfish, or that it is not worthy or that you're not a good person, if you're not constantly that if you take time to care for yourself. So the first half is mindset and and helping you get to that point. And then the second half are just practical ideas. not your typical, you know, get a massage or go on vacation or something like that, but but specific ideas that can that you can do that will allow you to take that break from a micro break. Five minutes going outside and some good breathing and going for a brisk walk to scheduling time that you can look forward to each week.

Margarita Gurri: 19:03

I like a lot of these I mean, annoying noise vacation home spa. Find your people. I mean, there is so cute anyway. And I find that it's very helpful and gives me fresh ideas. The other one brida is this one, the caregiver book, the caregiver coffee break. Yeah, I

Breeda Miller: 19:22

wrote that as the book I wished I'd had when I was my mom's caregiver. I had a pile of books, I call them my pile of good intentions. But I was so exhausted that when I sat down to read, you know, I would get through three pages, and I was out. So I needed something that was short, quick, accessible, but that would give me something to think about. So the book has been called distilled wisdom, which I thought was great. I didn't say it someone else did. But at the bottom of many of the pages there are links so that if you like this germ of an idea, if you like this kind of information, here's the link to too, to get lots and lots more information and more details. So it is not a comprehensive book. But I think it touches on so many things. It's chatty, it's warm, I think it's kind of funny. And people have told me that have told me that it really has helped them when they've been in that spot of, of caring for parents, and they just don't know what to do.

Margarita Gurri: 20:23

What has doing all of this, this pivot that you did, and, and the one woman show and the books and all that, what has it done for your understanding of self care for you and others?

Breeda Miller: 20:36

It's really helped me an awful lot. Because if I don't want to be a hypocrite, I need to practice what I preach. And so I, for example, one of the challenges I'm going through right now is this show is 90 minutes, it is 34 pages of script, that is just me. And the memorization of this is challenging, I think it's challenging for anybody. But for a 60 year old brain, it's a little bit tougher. So what I do is I will study and read a bit, and then I know when I'm just getting overloaded, and I think I need to lay down, and I will take a 20 minute nap. And if I actually go asleep, that's great. But I just give my mind a rest. And I give myself permission to do that. And I do it with intention. So I don't feel guilty. I don't feel like oh, I so much to do I don't have time to take a nap. No, I have so much to do I really need to take a nap. I you know, I think of my phone. You know, I charged my phone every night, and I don't be graduate. And I don't think you'd leave the phone. Why do you need to be charged every single night, I realized that the phone needs self care. That's why they call it an iPhone. But I you know when you think about how powerful this little computer is and how much we depend on it. And we don't think less of it when it gets to that red bar. I mean, I feel like we need to have that red bar visible so that somebody could compensate I'm, you're in the red zone, I really think you need to recharge. But we need to recognize it within ourselves and give ourselves permission to take a break before we break.

Yonason Goldson: 22:18

One of my favorite quotes is from JP Morgan who said, I can do a year's work in nine months, but not in 12 months.

Margarita Gurri: 22:27

There you go.

Yonason Goldson: 22:28

And there it's it's a very Jewish idea that while we believe in a tremendous work ethic, we believe in pushing ourselves as much as possible the limit of our capacity, but not beyond that. Because we're human beings, we do have limits. And that if I use my time wisely, and then give myself permission to have downtime, whether it's sleep, recreation, some form of entertainment, that is part of the work. It's not that I'm taking a break from the work, it's that it becomes part of the job part of the work. I like my guilty pleasures is spy novels. And reading the the Jason Bourne books. There was one phrase that just stuck in my mind is that sleep is a weapon. And, you know, here's this guy who's doing all this crazy stuff, and everyone's trying to kill him. And he's trying to kill them and the fate of the world's hanging in the balance and have taken out.

Breeda Miller: 23:38

I have never understood folks who've said that they operate on Oh, I have so much to do I only operate on four hours sleep a night. I don't know how your brain and I don't think your body was built that way.

Margarita Gurri: 23:56

Not for me. Well, many people think of those things that helped maintain as a waste of time and not efficient. And they don't understand that self care is and the psychologist even say you know that self care is a moral and ethical imperative for psychologists. Because if we're not on even keel, how can we possibly have anything useful to offer in terms of observations or wisdom in any way? And I think that's true for any any group. I mean, I know that for in long plane rides, they have all sorts of studies of pilots taking naps in the cockpit and what's the optimal number of minutes and I don't know the new research, but is it 1015 2025 30? Who knows? But the issue is, we're trying to understand always what's the best way to be most effective and efficient and doing being balanced is a is a bad word these days the word balance, though, I think I might say hello maryna after that balance, balance balance.

Yonason Goldson: 25:03

Daniel Goleman talks about the value of meditation. You know, and he says this, he's, so I'm gonna sit for 10 1520 minutes, make my mind a blank. What could be a bigger waste of time than that. And what we're really doing is we are training our brains to be disciplined to not let stray thoughts distract us. And, and there's actually you don't think of, you know, having maintenance done on your car is a waste of time. Because the car is going to break down. If I don't do that. We shouldn't think of Fleet as a waste of time, because we're rejuvenating. There's so many ways that we serve ourselves so that we can then serve the world.

Breeda Miller: 25:56

Exactly. Another interesting thing I think about this, when it comes to caregiving is that I know when I was pushing myself, and I was exhausted and frustrated, that I was cranky, and I was not a pleasant person. And if my mom didn't, if my mom felt that she didn't want to be a burden to me, here I am being Frankie, or short tempered, or whatever. How do you how do I think that made her feel? It made her feel like she was a burden to me, because she saw what it was doing to me. So if if a person is feeling guilty or feeling they, they just can't justify taking a nap or taking a rest or taking a break and going out for two hours or going to a movie or something that they would like to do, they really have to stop and turn it around is think about the quality of experience that they are to the person that they are caring for. And if they want to be their best self, if they want to be pleasant, if they want to be open, have an agile mind, so that they can be responsive. You know, one of the things I often say when you're caring for a person with dementia, it's like a day at the improv. It is because you have to just Oh, who are you today? Where are we today? What year is it today, and you go with the flow, you go where they're at. But if you are not your best self, if you're just stressed out and exhausted, you're going to get annoyed and you're going to behave and respond differently, and not in the most positive way. And it's not going to end well. So if you can't do it for yourself, if you think oh, you know, I just don't think I can do that. Then do it for the other person. Do it. So you will be your best self for them.

Yonason Goldson: 27:45

Yeah, I mean, this applies to our spouses, our children, our parents, I mean, really all our relationships. And if I if I'm in a job that's, that's toxic, and I hold it together through the job. I get off. Now the first, the first person I see, there's all that pent up tension and anger and frustration. I just explode. You know? So why am I Why am I letting my job, destroy my relationships? Sometimes I may need to look for a new job until I can find a new job. I need to find some way of decompressing before I get in the situation where I'm going to take it out of the people that I love the most.

Margarita Gurri: 28:34

Absolutely. And it's not so easy to find your way to self care. So Rita Miller, let's say someone is burnt out exhausted, resentful, whatever overwhelmed. What are they start please?

Breeda Miller: 28:48

Where do they start? I guess they stop and and I'd say make a list. Make a list that if you were given the gift of let's not get greedy and that lets them say a whole day. But let's give them the gift of four hours. And you could just do whatever you wanted to do. What would that be and then make a list so that when you have that opportunity to do something you are not struggling to say oh yeah, but I don't know what to do. And so maybe it's go to the library, maybe it is to go for a walk maybe it's to take a drive to a body of water and listen to the waves or just look at water which is to me so soothing. Maybe it is to make a phone call to a friend that you haven't talked to in a long time and have a really nice chinwag a quick chat or whatever it is but something that is not involving caring for another person or doing anything for someone else. Something that is just for you and it's different for everyone. Some people are athletic and going for a run is their idea of fun for me so much. But there are things I do enjoy going for a really nice walk So whatever it is, think that plan ahead, think about those things that you'd like to do. And then think about, okay, I'd like to do this, how could you possibly do it? Do you need to find someone who could provide respite care for the person you're caring for, or the situation that you're in to allow you the freedom to do this, it doesn't necessarily have to cost money. As I say, it could be a walk somewhere really nice. Or it could be going to see a movie or having a luxurious experience, like a massage or something like that. It doesn't matter what it is. And it is different to each individual. You know, it might be going to a religious service on your own, and just being able to focus on that moment of prayer or of meditation and not thinking about, are my kids making a noise is somebody else going to be able to, you know, just go by yourself? Maybe, maybe that's what your self care is, you know, it is not for anyone to judge or to say what works for them. So identify what that might be, figure out when you could do it, and what resources do you need in order to make that happen, and then start the ball rolling that way? Well, I need to call so and so to come over on this Saturday, from noon to four, and from noon to four. That's the time I'm going to do the thing that I need to do. The great thing about that, too, is that let's say it's a Wednesday afternoon, and you're stressed out, you're exhausted that things are just coming at you. But you know, that on Saturday, you have this plan. And on Saturday, you have this to look forward to that in itself, that little light that you can go toward can be so comforting and so helpful, because it's, you have something to look forward to. And I think that's a very mentally healthy thing to do.

Margarita Gurri: 31:56

I think that's great advice.

Yonason Goldson: 32:00

We have both short term goals and long term goals. Absolutely. Yeah, the short term goal can be not how I'm changing the world, but just how I am retaining my own peace of mind, or recovering my own peace of mind.

Margarita Gurri: 32:18

I knew a minister's wife who had three autistic children. And she made a list of things that were two minutes long, five minutes long 10. So that if she just had a short period of time, that she could, you know, scoop out for herself that she knew she didn't have to waste time thinking about the things you'd love. So maybe it's you know, watching a spy show for 10 minutes or, or reading, whatever. And I think it's important to be ready for less than optimal free time. So that you can get started with this habit of, of taking care of yourself.

Yonason Goldson: 33:01

A really a really astute idea. And it's on the surface. That sounds silly. But the truth is, really when you know, when you have questions, we all ask questions. And then you find yourself having a conversation with somebody who can answer your questions and you can't remember your questions. I have things don't want to do and then when I have time to do them, I can't remember what they are. Yeah. Our minds need order. We need to create artificially.

Margarita Gurri: 33:32

So another anchor, I would suggest that everyone go to brida Miller's website, Britta Miller calm or Mrs. Kelly, and it's ke Ll y s Mrs. Kelly's journey home calm. And there's the premiere coming up. world premiere in October. The cool thing about her show and breed I love that you did this. It's also a great thing. If you want to raise money for a good cause. People are asking her to come and use this as a fundraiser. It warms hearts and wallets. It opens up healing. People laugh they cry. When when I watched it, the immigrant experience was there for me and gave me warm feelings about that. But also just how loving everyone in the audience was because it's almost like they were kind of imbued with the love that Brito was sharing. So I think if you don't know where to start, go to Mrs. Kelly's journey home is what I would suggest. So rabbi, is it time for your word of the day?

Yonason Goldson: 34:38

Well, let's make a time. All right. word for the day is symbiosis. Now symbiosis means that you have two things that are dependent upon one another. We're all familiar with the the yin and the yang symbol, and it represents the aspects of The world the feminine and the masculine, the light, the dark, with dominant and the passive. And in nature, bees and flowers, that type of interrelationship, each one needs the other. Now we have terms in human psychology, there's a term codependency, which you'll correct me if I'm wrong doctor, but I believe that's not something that we look at favorably. It's, it's when I can't function without you. And sometimes I have to function alone. But the other angle on that is interdependency is that we need each other in a good union, battered wife, parents and children, right, we depend on each other. Children's. They're there. It's a it's, again, it goes back to that paradox of human existence, that we're not meant to live alone. But one of the first things we learned in the Bible, right, it's not good. That human being should be alone. We need friends, we need family, we need partners, we need companionship, we need community. And so again, we're striking this balance between my identity as an independent, autonomous individual, and my identity as part of something greater than myself. And, as with anything in ethics, there's no app for this. It is a continuous work in progress. Sometimes we need a little bit more time to work for ourselves, sometimes we need a little more time devoted to the community around us. And recognizing that it is a continuous work in progress is part of how we get it right. More of the time, not expecting it to be easy, not expecting it to be simple. But recognizing the benefits that come to us by managing this tension, end up serving us most.

Margarita Gurri: 37:11

Great choice. The whole thing about self care. So let's I'm going to leave us with asking Rita for your last words, and then I'll pipe in with some final words, read up final words of wisdom, then

Breeda Miller: 37:31

you owe it to yourself. You owe it to the people that you care for, to take a break before you break, to care, take care for yourself so that you can be your best self is probably one of the most loving things that you can do.

Margarita Gurri: 37:48

Thank you and I so agree. So as a psychologist, I've been working with people who are so wounded to have Rita introduced me to the term compassion fatigue. People are just exhausted and angry and resentful. And so they sabotage a lot of this self care for themselves. And for others. I mean, what you're you're doing, you're sitting around when you have so much to do, you know, that kind of stuff. There's enough to spread around these barriers, right? So when I'm thinking how do I lovingly talk to individuals and groups about this, and I was happened to be watching Spaceballs, one of my favorite movies, it's a spoof on Star Wars. And it's they have in their made the shorts be with you. Very funny. So I thought, you know, I had been doing a bunch of self care research and I'm thinking, what is it prescription that I would give whether this if they if you had to do six or seven steps, what would they be to help you along your path to self care? So I came up with schmeckt. And today I added another tea for Brita. So Schmidt is you need an the right amount of sleep under the right amount of right conditions, not with a TV screen in front of your face. You need to be comfortable in a room that's for the most part for sleep. I mean, and other lovely things. I mean, you don't want to be just always on the couch. compassion. Many people have compassion for them for others, but not for themselves. And I'm not asking for empathy, which is a deeper dive. I'm thinking if we have compassion for ourselves and others, that's a start in terms of self care, humor, and the rabbit and I've talked about humor a lot. The kind that is kind, not the kind any humor, we have to look both ways before you tell it. Not doesn't count to exercise. And again, it could be a walk, it could be vacuuming while you dance, it doesn't matter what it is. You don't have to go to the gym. You don't have to do anything you hate just moving around. Meaning I think anyone who has a sense of purpose can get through just about anything, and can maybe allow themselves some self care. So whether it's you touch someone in the heart, or the mind or the soul. I think it's important to have meaning and In Touch, so there's the physical kind of touch and then again touching someone in the heart and the soul. And then I'm going to add another t to the Sheremet. And that is take a break before you break. That's all I have to say. I wish everyone a wonderful week. See you next Tuesday at 1230. And if you guys want to say a last goodbye

Breeda Miller: 40:26

Take care of yourself. And thank you so much for this, this wonderful break today.

Margarita Gurri: 40:31

Thank you for being with us, Rabbi. Thank you, doctor. Alright, bye all