#36: Jeff Koziatek - Recognize and Actualize the "10" Within Yourself

What happens when authenticity becomes a cliche?

Is it authentic to acknowledge being awful?

Are we being authentic when we aspire to be more than we are?

These and other stimulating questions are addressed when Jeff Koziatek, the Mindset Catalyst, joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.coreauthenticity.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffkoziatek/

1:30  Do what you love.

Society sends a message that your value comes from what you do

Learn how to say no.

Everyone is asking the same two questions:

What is my worth, and where does it come from?

If it comes from something external, it’s not really ours.

People need tools for communication, confidence, and mindset development

We can be authentic behind a mask

But how much better to develop core authenticity that allows us to drop the mask

The difference between hiding and filter

10:00  “You are so different from how you seemed”

Go from living two lives to living one life

Is it possible to lie authentically?

What happens when authenticity becomes a cliche?

Is it authentic to acknowledge being awful?

Are we being authentic when we aspire to be more than we are?

17:00  Degrees of authenticity

When our value is tied to something external, we rationalize compromising our ethics

Trauma may force us to choose between discovering our true value and spiraling into despair

Value doesn’t change but perception does

Can poor self-esteem be common sense?

25:00  If my actions earn me a 5 how do I get to 10?

Binary thinking sets us up for failure in our own eyes

Growth model enables us to compartmentalize who we are from what we do

Visualize going up in a glass elevator

What happens when our essence is out of sync with how we behave

31:00 Core elements: Worth, values, identity, and purpose

The juggler and the king

Pleasure seeking and self indulgence leave us nothing of true value with no purpose

What are we juggling?

When we have our priorities in order, ethics naturally fall into place

Recognizing the limits of our circumstances is part of being ethical

39:00 How do we identify our true values?

Why are values like trees?

Can we see the forest of true values?

41:00 The word of the day:  Chatoyancy

When a tree grows under stress it causes the grain to curl back on itself, producing waves within the wood. The smoother the wood gets, the more the chatoyancy will show up.

Pressure and polishing transform us into beautiful creations

We are all 10 on the inside

Transcript

Margarita Gurri: 0:03

Welcome to our episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink. I'm Dr Margarita Gurri, the shrink. And this is my favorite rabbi,

Yonason Goldson: 0:13

Yonason Goldson

Margarita Gurri: 0:15

the rabbi and I are delighted. The rabbi knows Jeff Koziatek. He is the mindset capitalist. And it's today his birthday. Are you ready? All of you saying happy birthday to him. Oh, nice companion Spanish. We're very happy for you. And it feels wonderful that you're joining us on this day. So hello, sir.

Jeff Koziatek: 0:38

Well, thank you very much for having me. I could not think of a better way to spend my birthday. Then with the two of you. This is gonna be awesome.

Margarita Gurri: 0:44

Ah, well, it already has been we did some chit chatting before it got started. And it's been great. So one of the things I know about you is that you started this journey from as a juggler, and I loved your explanation. So I asked about that. How did you get from juggler to mindset catalyst and an amazing leadership global influencer? Right. Tell us about that simple little journey. Please, sir.

Unknown: 1:13

Simple little journey in 30 seconds.

Margarita Gurri: 1:16

Oh, good. It's a time limit don't?

Unknown: 1:20

Well, okay. So there's, there's a couple answers to that question. One of the answers I did not share with you earlier, we're start there, then we're going to go back. As a kid, I received two messages. One was intentional, and one was not the intentional message was find something you love to do and make that your job. And I loved art and people. So I said yes to anything art and people related. It could be circus acting, voiceover fencing, video producing photography, casting, I did all of that. I eventually had an entertainment company, we worked as a booking agency, event management company, we

Margarita Gurri: 1:57

did Wow, that was smart. You worked at all? Well,

Unknown: 2:00

I didn't know how to say no. Like, I can laugh about that now. But but it was it seriously cost me some stuff at the time. So so that was one message, find something you love to do and make that your job. I had the crazy set of parents that said you want to do theater, go do theater, we'll support you. And everybody else was just kind of scratching their head going, when are you going to encourage Jeff to get a real job. So that was one message, the unintended message that I got was your value comes from what you do. If you're not doing anything, if you're not performing well in school, or in sports, or in on the stage, then we're just not going to pay attention. Nobody ever said that. That was just the the narrative that I started to spin up for myself. So I put those two messages together. And I became a massive workaholic, saying no was not an option. Because if I said no, then I was losing value. So I said yes to everything. Consequently, that led me to a spot where I was doing 350 shows every Wow, on top of producing videos, shooting photos, trying to be a good father trying to be a good husband. And oh, yeah, occasionally taking care of myself. So that's, that's what led me down this road. But in entertainment, I got a golden ticket. And I started to notice something in my audience who had asked me what I noticed. What do you notice, you notice? Oh, thanks for asking. I noticed that no matter where I went, or who I was in front of, and I've done more than 4000 shows all across the country and international. Thank you, Canada, I see you. It did not matter who it was everybody was struggling with the same two questions that I was struggling with. And those questions were case you were wondering, what is my worth? And where does it come from? What is my worth? And where does it come from. And I noticed that most people felt like their worth on a scale of zero to 10 was somewhere less than a 10. Even if there was a slight gap, even if they thought that they were like at 9.999927. Even with that little bit of a gap. It seemed to spin people up in what I call road rage. And they would try to earn more value or impress people or protect what they had. And not only that, but it seemed like they tied their worth to what they were doing something outside of themselves, either in their achievements in their relationships, and their ability to hide their mistakes and who they knew and how they looked. But what what I realized is that if if we could shift that off of the external and look inside for the workpiece unrelated to our responsibilities unrelated to our roles, everything changed because if the value and the worth is internal, it can't be lost. It can't be stolen, and it can't be increased. And when we stand on that it puts us in this natural position of generosity, of freedom of presence. And it revolutionized my life. So, as an entertainer, seeing that everybody wrestled with the same stuff I was wrestling with, no matter if they were kids, adults, millionaires living on the street voting, the way I vote, not voting, the way I vote, you know, all of that aside, I could either try to do something about that. Or I could just stay in the lane of entertainment. So I decided to start speaking on value and how that plays out and leadership and teamwork and communication and confidence. So I could give people tools. And then I got certified to do coaching with the values conversation back in 2014, picked up additional certification with the John Maxwell team, so I could walk with people to help them create sustainable change. And then and then I'm out. So that's how i i got from juggling two, mindset coaching.

Margarita Gurri: 5:57

That's wonderful. And I had loved what you had said about the safe place. Say that again.

Unknown: 6:03

Yeah, well, I tried to bring that into coaching. And speaking as a performer, I believe there's two types of performers. There's the type of former that says, hey, look at me, watch me do this amazing trick, a goose, right. And then there's the other type of performer that invites people in and creates a relationship. So it's more of an experience less of a hey, look at this. And so I'm category number two, I have a 45 minute juggling show where I juggled maybe five minutes. And then the other 40 minutes, is talking with the audience and building a relationship, my going mindsets, right, my goal was always to offer a safe space to my audience, so that they can relax, they could drop the mask, they were for survival, and just be themselves and have a genuine laugh next to a total stranger, which is incredibly scary. And so if I could do something, to offer that safety, I'm not going to crack a joke at the audience expense. I'm going to give all my volunteers the spotlight, I'll set them up to deliver the punch lines to make them look great. If I can offer that I found incredible value in my audience or they were experienced it because I they keep coming back. Right, they would hire me again, they follow me on social media. And so that was always the goal. Now, not everybody was willing to accept my offer. Because some people would sit in the audience and they would fold their arms or they would try to heckle and get about them or keep me from succeeding. Or they would just check out who literally just walk away. But I couldn't take responsibility for that all I could take responsibility for was to offer the safety. And I feel like like this leads into my, my company name of core authenticity. I feel like you can be authentic behind a mask. But I feel like when we can get down to the core of who we are as a human being apart from what we do, apart from our experiences, our circumstances, and we can live authentically from that core that like I said, You can't lose that. Like that. That's a that's a self sustained. It's like a it's like a what is Tony Stark have the the the arc reactor in his chest like it's this massive power source that allows us to be generous, and to be present, and to give without worried that we're going to lose something. And so that's my goal, as a coach to help people live from their core authentic self to drop the mask to know that they have that freedom and that ability. And it's amazing.

Yonason Goldson: 8:41

You touched on something really profound there, Jeff that we all wear masks. Yeah, and it's not it's not a bad thing doesn't have to be a bad thing. We there. We have private lives. We have personal lives and put ourselves all out there all the time for everybody. So we do wear masks, but what kind of masks we want to wear. Do I want to wear a mask that conceals who I am? Or do I want to wear a mask that projects who I am. This is really the Hebrew word for clothing. In a garment is beggared, ungrammatical route beggared and the route the grammatical route, but God means treachery or deceit. Because the garment can deceive, I can dress up to be someone I costume, putting on an act false front, or I can wear something that actually projects who I am. Let me say the clothes make the man the clothes make the woman it's it's this balance between filtering out the parts of ourselves leaving behind leaving within the parts of ourselves that don't necessarily belong in the pub. Like domain, while remaining true and genuine to who we are with what we reveal to those around us.

Unknown: 10:08

Yeah, that that's something that I can I can personally relate to, I mean, literally performing to try to earn people's attention and feel significant. And like I matter. I'll never forget going to breakfast with this couple that met me as juggling Jeff, my entertainment name. And then we went out for coffee, and about 1015 minutes, and it wasn't long. The wife looked at me and she said, Jeff, you're, you're different off stage. And I had gotten to this place where, where the mask that I was wearing publicly onstage, although there were elements of me in there, it was definitely a mask that persona had had drifted really far from my persona offstage. And it was almost like I was living these two separate lives. And before I started working with my coach, I thought that the stage person was was a complete mask and had nothing to do with who I was, and that the offstage, quiet introvert was me. And my coach challenged me to say, well, maybe, maybe they're both you. And let's, let's kind of redeem those and bring those back together, so that you're one whole person and not two. And that was, that was life changing for me.

Margarita Gurri: 11:27

And that is core authenticity. So you

Unknown: 11:31

want to add ons to catchy name.

Margarita Gurri: 11:33

I know. So you and I had talked about how you came to those two words and put them together? That kind of explains it, but speak more to that issue. And then the second part of that question is in what the heck does it have to do with ethics?

Unknown: 11:49

Okay, speak more to to to the issue of core authenticity.

Margarita Gurri: 11:53

Yes, you and I were having a conversation before about what is core authenticity, and you kind of described it just there isn't a great example. But I think that your explanation is, is useful.

Yonason Goldson: 12:05

It sounds redundant, core authenticity. Why is it not redundant?

Unknown: 12:10

Well, this goes back to what I mentioned earlier, when you're when you're wearing a mask, when you're hiding behind something, you are essentially being authentic in that moment, I am authentically hiding, I am I am authentically trying to put on a face because I'm either trying to conceal something, or I'm trying to impress you to get something.

Margarita Gurri: 12:30

Right. So can I authentic Lee lie?

Unknown: 12:33

I think so. If you're doing it intentionally. Right?

Margarita Gurri: 12:38

Well, how is that authentic, if I'm lying, I'm confused.

Unknown: 12:45

If you are if you are lying on purpose, like I believe that behavior comes from who we are, it does not define who we are, right. So you might be in a mental state, or in a mindset that is that is, for lack of a better term, scared to be vulnerable, are concerned really hesitant about that, really anxious about that. Because Because you're anxious about revealing yourself, you're going to intentionally and authentically put on a mask and say things to redirect or to, to put the focus someplace else. And so I feel like there is a level of of authenticity there. But if we can, if we can drop the mask, and we can just get down to to who we are and we're not trying to earn value and significance. We're not trying to defend our stuff or who we are. We're not trying to compare and compete and judge, we get down to the core of who we are we live from that live authentically from that we're making decisions intentionally from that cornerstone from that foundation. I feel like everything changes, I fundamentally believe that people will hear your heart before they hear your technique. Now that your your technique could be your words, it could be your actions, could be your management style. But if you're if your hearts in the wrong spot to go back to that value meter, if it's not a 10 if you're feeling like a like an eight, and then you try to lead others you try to you know, empower your team or to land sales or to to connect with your spouse or your kids. People are going to hear the the eight or the six, they're going to hear the gap the feeling of of inadequacy before they hear anything else. And so my goal is to help people stand on their core authentic self to recognize that they are attend, that they don't have to put on a mask or try to get something else

Yonason Goldson: 14:47

that makes sense dive into that for a second.

Unknown: 14:50

No, we're all out of time.

Yonason Goldson: 14:53

That wasn't asking your permission. It's your show. It's a rhetorical question. Here's what we're gonna do. Authenticity hasn't become much of a cliche. Yep. I mean, I say there's, there's really we're in a dangerous place when authenticity has become a cliche. That's not a place we really want to be. But maybe we always have to examine the words we're using and the way we're using them. If I if I'm a really awful person, and I'm genuine, about my awfulness, yeah. Am I not being authentic? And if I aspire to be a better person, even if I may not have developed all of the qualities that I would like to, but I'm making an effort to build myself. Isn't that authenticity, as well? And shouldn't that be the kind of authenticity that we're all aspiring for?

Unknown: 16:03

Yes.

Yonason Goldson: 16:05

Well, sir,

Margarita Gurri: 16:08

and pithy, very pithy. At its core, boom, yes. All right. Thanks.

Yonason Goldson: 16:14

So short.

Margarita Gurri: 16:16

So we've been talking birthday boy, about core authenticity, and this capitalist mindset and all that kind of stuff. What does this have to do with ethics? Because your explanation on your website is lovely. I'm putting his website in the chat. For everyone. You must go see it as sex. It's very interesting.

Unknown: 16:37

Oh, thanks. And then then you'll have to come back in like two or three weeks because it's getting an overhaul?

Margarita Gurri: 16:42

Oh, well, we'll have to look. It's getting a birthday overhaul. That's nice.

Unknown: 16:46

It is, hopefully by Halloween. No, by November 1, we will have taken off the costumes and the masks and you'll see a brand new core Oh, yes.

Margarita Gurri: 16:58

Oh, Rabbi. That's funny. Oh, degrees of authenticity. I, I hear Kevin Bacon in there somewhere.

Yonason Goldson: 17:06

Right. So on this show, you know,

Margarita Gurri: 17:11

it's plant based kosher bacon, I'm just saying, alright. What does all this have to do with ethics?

Unknown: 17:20

Well, here's, here's the thing, when I can, if I may speak personally, when my value is tied to what I did, and my performance, I may or may not have made choices that stretched my ethical and moral values. When I was trying, when, when my value is tied to something outside of myself, I believe there's this, there's this need inside of every human to be significant to feel valued to feel like they matter to feel like they they have worth, and we're going to do whatever we can to get it. And if we're not standing on this cornerstone of a 10 all the time, then we're going to we're going to claw we're going to scrap we're going to say things that that might stretch ethics, and then we're going to justify it to ourselves, because it's a way for us to become more more valuable and more significant. What if Damien on that? I'm sorry, go ahead.

Margarita Gurri: 18:23

No, no, I think that's brilliant. Um, I've had the privilege of working with some athletes, who are so used to being winners that they end up, you know, dosing themselves with a variety of interesting and unethical illegal substances. And the one thing is, if they could take your lesson, and not judge their worth, by their scores, and by their sponsorships, and by their adoration and their the number of gigs or whatever, that actually have more authenticity, maybe they be the number two or number three person. So if you don't have the confidence to do it on your own, clearly, either you're not training well. Or maybe you're just not the best. But I think many people have value that they're the 50th best person in the world at something I mean, I think they missed the boat.

Yonason Goldson: 19:18

Yeah, you remind me that we you know, we had our friend John register on Yes, sir. Early early

Unknown: 19:23

in our I love John, we do want to hear your

Yonason Goldson: 19:27

story. And then, you know, invite people to go back to that episode and listen is very worthwhile. You know, he was an Olympic class athlete who lost a leg and it was traumatic for him. Because he his whole identity was wrapped up in his athletic ability. And when that was taken away from him, I mean, he's into my wife gonna love me and my children and respect me. And he really had to go through some, some soul searching and Personal Growth, painful personal growth, yeah to rediscover or maybe that's not right maybe to discover the trouver worth the true value that he had as a human being independent, or whatever he was able to accomplish as Netflix.

Margarita Gurri: 20:18

And luckily, he didn't go to the point of lying and pretending and misrepresenting because he did, he went through the trouble like you did Jeff to get to the core issues, and begin to stand on a cornerstone of a nine and a half 10, whatever, whatever is strong enough to to help us be authentic. It has to be a 10. That's so perfectionistic

Unknown: 20:47

it's it's not a it's, it sounds perfectionist does to me. But here's, here's the thing behind this, all right, if you feel like your personal worth is anything less than a 10, there's a gap.

Margarita Gurri: 21:03

Yes, but sometimes people do horrible things. And so temporarily, it would be authentic for them to feel like a three or a five or whatever, because not all behavior deserves a 10. And so I think those dips are authentic. So maybe standing on a very strong three, knowing that we've messed up and that we are unworthy temporarily. Maybe that Cornerstone is three helps us get to the 10

Unknown: 21:30

I feel like we might be timeout two different things here.

Margarita Gurri: 21:34

I hope so good. To me little Ricky's painting.

Unknown: 21:38

Well, listen, Doc, let me tell you how to

Margarita Gurri: 21:41

do so I'm just trying to listen, go.

Unknown: 21:47

For me, the 10 your personal worth is unrelated to your behavior. It's unrelated to your feelings. It's unrelated to your circumstances, you could be treated like you are a two, but you were still attend, your worth is still attend even though some of these treating you less, you could be acting like a six. But it does not change your intrinsic value. That is a 10. So this is why I wrote my book blueprint for value 52 habits to discover and strengthen your personal worth. That looks just like that. Oddly,

Margarita Gurri: 22:23

what a coincidence what?

Unknown: 22:25

I've got a copy of that, too. Oh, my goodness. But the reason I wrote the book is because your value doesn't change ever. But your perception as you pointed out does and it can change on a moment to moment basis. And when

Margarita Gurri: 22:39

I see I see the distinction your intrinsic value. Everyone has intrinsic full 10 points. I get it. Yeah. Perception. But what if perception is reality? One of my favorite lines in a movie. I think it was Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Where's Sierra? I forget her name Leon something I've got her name wrong. She's this beautiful American athlete, actress and she's amazing. And Cloris Leachman, who is her mother said to her, sometimes, poor self esteem is just good judgment. good common sense. Oh, because she had been having an affair. She was acting badly, she was lying. She wasn't being a good mother. And so help me understand that then. So my intrinsic value, if I'm that character whose mother just said, it's good, common sense for me not to feel good about myself, then helped me get to, you know, using your theory for that, because I'm intrigued by it.

Unknown: 23:44

Not having seen the movie, and missing a whole lot of context.

Margarita Gurri: 23:49

And my telling of it was less than stellar. Thank you very much.

Unknown: 23:53

I would, I would throw out the possibility that the mother's advice was more about herself and less about her daughter.

Margarita Gurri: 24:03

In this case, I think the advice was perfect. Because the daughter had been acting so badly that she needed to make some changes.

Unknown: 24:10

Okay. You're asking me to explain something that I've never seen?

Margarita Gurri: 24:15

Okay. Well, let's just let's just go back to the so maybe I'm too entrenched in in a different way of thinking helped me examine my thinking them. So let's say I'm being a bad decision maker, and I follow it up with behavior that is not good. So I'm stealing money from a bank or from my employer, I'm beating my child. I'm lying and stealing. I'm not paying the taxes. I need to I'm being a bad citizen, whatever it is that I'm choosing to do that's less than lovely. So I understand my intrinsic values still attend? Yes. What is the process of getting to 10? I have earned two or three So help me understand my mindset to get to, from where I am behaving, and maybe I'm showing into your judgments to that intrinsic 10.

Unknown: 25:13

So this is why I'm a mindset coach, because I, real quickly, I feel like when we stand on that cornerstone of attend, that allows us to show up fully core authentically as who we are. Everything changes our relationships, change all of that stuff. And at the same time, it almost is completely irrelevant. Because of our mindset because of our perception, because we live in a culture that says, You are what you do. I mean, I've read so many books that say, you know, you are how you show up. Like, No, you were somebody before you, you have you ever got a job, you were somebody before you ever went to school, but we live in a system that says, you know, you go to school, and you're graded on your performance, we watch sports, and we grade them on their performance, we like everything is about behavior. And so I think it's natural for us to then immediately equate behavior with who we are as a human being. But what I want to do for my clients is to help them separate who they are, from what they do to recognize it that comes from their foundation,

Margarita Gurri: 26:26

but I see the value in that. And I think it's lovely,

Unknown: 26:29

well, I let me throw something else out. Because when we find our value in what we do, and we link it to our behavior, we can oftentimes use what we call the power model. It's right or it's wrong, it's good, or it's bad. Now I know this gets I would love to hear your take on this from an from an ethical standpoint. But with the with the power model, it sets people up to look for perfection, or epic failure. And I feel like our behavior, reaching perfection is impossible, because there's always, there's always a variable out there, there's always something that we could change it and do better. So using the power model, right or wrong, good or bad, immediately sets us up for shame and for guilt. And that spins us up on this whole tangent that takes our perception of value way, way down. So I offer the growth model. Is it working? Or is it not working? I think with this concept, it allows us to offer ourselves forgiveness, and for grace to see the mistake for what it is not who we are to adjust our mindset come back to our cornerstone of a 10 and then keep moving forward.

Margarita Gurri: 27:40

That was beautifully put.

Yonason Goldson: 27:42

I like you. I think maybe the correct me if I'm wrong doctor, that maybe the the tension we were having getting to an understanding is that who I am, needs to manifest as what I do. And we're in a society that's very outcome focused. Yeah. Which we often argue set up for failure or set ourselves up for failure. Because ultimately, it's the authenticity of the process. You know, when we talk about self esteem, you know, I can feel great about myself. There's a study I mentioned before, love the study, close your eyes. Imagine that you're going up in a glass LV. How does that make you feel? Well, they did. They asked you to do that. And they also be able to imagine going down in a glass elevator. And then they gave them math tests, basic math test, slightly challenging, not too difficult. The people who imagine going up in the elevator, do did worse on the math tests than the people who imagined going down to the elevator. And the explanation was that when you imagine going up in an elevator, you feel you're up on top of the world, but you really haven't done anything. You have no basis for feeling on top of the world. All you've done is imagine if you actually went up in the elevator that didn't really that wasn't you? Well, now that you have this good feeling, but on some level, you realize you didn't earn it. So now you don't want to risk that feeling. By applying yourself in an area where you might not do so well. Whereas if you envision going down, you went down the glass elevator and now you're feeling a little bit low. Now you want to prove yourself. Yeah, and so now you get to work harder on the test, and you're going to perform better. So there are ways in which we can create a disconnect between the essence of who we are and the way that's manifesting in the world. And if those are out of sync, then we're setting ourselves up for problems. If we are authentically trying to bridge the gap between where I am and where I ought to be, or where ideally I would like to be, then we're on track.

Unknown: 30:19

I could personally relate to writing down the elevator and trying to perform to to prove myself, I feel like that's something that I've seen in a lot of other people as well. And I can say from my personal experience, that that is a an unsustainable model. Or at least it was not for me, the the constantly trying to prove to people and then I've run into the the opposite of riding up the elevator and seeing, particularly in kids and, and other adults when they're going through transition. The the as you said, the the timidity, the the, the desire to pull back and not reach out and not try something new, not take the risk, not use what they have and find out maybe maybe it doesn't work. And that idea that I feel like we can circumvent that we can, we can break that circuit, when we stand on our cornerstone of a 10. What I do as a coach, I help people define their compass, their compass is made up of four parts, understanding their worth understanding what they value, understanding their identity as a human, and understanding their purpose, which is their vision and mission. I feel like when you know, all four of those things, you'll know TrueNorth no matter what situation you face, and when we're standing on that, then we can we can take the risk, we can step out and try something new. And if it doesn't work, we're not destroyed. Because it's not the doing is not who we are. And those four again, for us. It's your worth, it's your values. It's your identity and your purpose, the W VIP experience. Yeah.

Yonason Goldson: 32:11

Yeah, and I think that that purpose is a really critical element there. You know, I wanted to interject this earlier. And I think it's that you're you're juggling Jeff persona, is something that really applies just as much to what you're doing now. There is a Jewish legend, not really a legend, but more of a parable about a fella named Hormann. And the title of the parable is the juggler and the king. And Hormann is a juggler. But what's he juggling, he's juggling a glass of wine, he's throwing a glass of wine from one hand to the other and back without spilling a drop. And he's riding on jumping from from horseback to horseback, and he's jumping across a river and he's running fast. And then the king, here's what he's doing and puts him to death. A little bit about lift cryptic, cryptic parable there.

Margarita Gurri: 33:11

We have a really interesting comment from Isaiah. In order to find the true value of ourselves, we need a suitable condition in which we can discover ourselves. What would you suggest us in order to find our truth, true values, regardless of external influencing factors? And she says, I mean, how can we find our true values?

Unknown: 33:35

I would love to answer that but I'm really wrapped up in the story. Is it okay if we finish the story? And then I didn't answer that question. Or respond.

Margarita Gurri: 33:43

I'm sorry. I thought the story was done. I missed the point.

Yonason Goldson: 33:46

Oh, yes. Explain the story. That's the boy I'm sorry. Me.

Unknown: 33:50

Thank you. Yeah, well, cuz cuz he just died. Like, surely it couldn't stop.

Margarita Gurri: 33:55

Now, but I thought that her comment might be a point of his story so that he could do the story,

Yonason Goldson: 34:02

the story then we'll come back to die. Oh, okay. The, the idea is, was it means juggling a cup of wine and can not spilling a drop hormones or pleasure seeker. wine represents indulgence. And he's seeking one indulgence. And when that one is finished, he shifts to another one, you know, back and forth one indulgence for another, seeking pleasure. And ultimately, what does he have to show for it? Is he's a bit of a clown. He's just bouncing back and forth. And eventually he becomes a troublemaker, he becomes an embarrassment to where he is Life has no purpose. And he there's no validation for his existence anymore. And so what the trap we can fall into is we're juggling things that we think are good One to make us happy. Yeah. And shifting, jumping from one to the other and back again, and we just keep in, we end up being more and more empty, and our lives become more and more pointless. Whereas if we're living focused on purpose focused on self worth focused on values, we're still going to be juggling. We're going to be having competing priorities in our lives, our families, our communities, ourselves. But that's a healthy kind of juggling. Yeah, because we're trying to find the best use of our time, and our energy, and the best relationships and the best sense of purpose. And that creates a life that is truly worth living a life that rewards us a life that makes us feel good about ourselves. And other people feel good about us, too. So the the juggler becomes the coach, in helping us keep track of what we should be juggling, and how we can keep everything in there.

Unknown: 36:06

And and I would add to that, that when that's happening, living an ethical life is a natural outpouring of that.

Yonason Goldson: 36:15

So true.

Margarita Gurri: 36:17

So true, I think we're not in conflict, I think it's the path is certainly easier to make those good choices. That's great.

Unknown: 36:26

Well, they say that willpower is a commodity, right? I mean, you like your the willpower I have at 10am might be different than the willpower I have at 6pm, or at 9pm. When I'm trying to get my kids to write, like that changes. And I feel like you could say, and please jump in on this, I feel like ethics are the same way my willpower to be ethical and to make those choices can ebb and flow. And I feel like my, my willpower is higher, when I'm standing on everything that Yasin just shared,

Yonason Goldson: 37:00

we've talked about that, because it's called decision fatigue. And this statistically, ethical violations happen much more often at the end of the day. Yeah, because people have the capacity to make good choices have made so many choices through the course of their day that they're depleted. So asleep on it is really good advice. And I think it goes also to is question that, you know, regardless of external factors, recognizing when my decision ability may be impaired, and willingness to say, I'm gonna hold off on that, until I can recharge, that itself is part of being ethical, that itself is a value

Margarita Gurri: 37:40

authentic. And at its core, Wow, its core authenticity.

Unknown: 37:47

So so if I, if I can, I'm going to go back to the values question. And, you know, how do you how do you find your true values, I feel like, given the the water that we're constantly swimming in, I feel like we need to walk with somebody, we need to talk to somebody that's got an outside perspective, that we can help process this through the values, I have a values assessment, so anybody that's watching or listening, if you want to take the exercise, it's about 10 minutes, that can help you clarify what your values are. And that's a that's a great start. And then you work with either me or the doc or anybody else and help process how that shows up in your life. How that affects your relationships and work and all that other stuff.

Margarita Gurri: 38:35

Oh, is that on your website? Then?

Unknown: 38:37

It's going to be in the new overhaul. Right? Wow, have to email me and I email me now and it'll be a PDF, but pretty soon just be an online

Margarita Gurri: 38:47

on Okay. Well, I, I'm going to make them go to your websites, I put core authenticity.com They can email you from there, because then they have to view the last few moments of this website, say savor it, savor it, then they'll they'll be EU, UK and EU and all at the improvement.

Unknown: 39:05

So the true values thing, though, I think that's an interesting statement. And I'm not I'm not exactly sure what that means for her. But I will say that the first time I did a values assessment to to identify what my core values were, was in 2012. And for me, at that time, identify my top four values as loyalty, stability, honesty, and trustworthiness. And then I did the values assessment again, within the last year, and they had changed and now they are courage, belonging, excellence and hope. And so you might say, Well, Jeff, well the ones that you found in 2012 Are those really your true values? And my my answer to that would be I look at values like trees. Like if you if you If you have a forest, a forest, in your mind, this is gonna sound a little Frou Frou just just go with me for a second, right? You've got this forest of trees, each tree represents a value in your life. If you are, if a tree is damaged, you are naturally going to get up close to that tree and tried to nurture it and heal it and help restore it back to where it was. For me, when I took the values assessment, back in 2012, I was still reeling from some betrayal on a personal and professional level. So naturally, my values for trustworthiness, stability, honesty, like those were screaming for attention. So those got my my focus. As I got healthier as I process through that I work with my coach and the talk with various other people, those trees got healthier. And as I got healthier, I was able to stand back. And as I backed up, like if you can imagine a redwood tree, right, those things are huge. So when you're right up next to it, that's all you see. Well, that's why those those trees were the only ones I was seeing. As I got healthier, I was able to back up, my perspective widened. And I recognized a there are other trees in my forest. And B, this is a clump of trees that fits in under the category of belonging. For me, the value of belonging leads to trust, it leads to loyalty leads to stability. And so the the values didn't change, I was just able to get deeper as I got healthier. Does that make sense? Yeah,

Yonason Goldson: 41:36

that makes more sense than you even realize, doctor, take the reins here and go right into the word of the day.

Margarita Gurri: 41:44

All right, I've got it here, I put it down,

Yonason Goldson: 41:47

which is absolutely perfectly teed up for me. Without any prior knowledge, what by our guests. And the word is chatoyancy chatoyancy bless you, which is what happens, thank you. When a tree grows under stress, it causes the grain to curl back on itself, which results in effect that looks like waves within the wood. And it becomes amazingly beautiful, you get a 3d effect. And as you polish the wood, the effect of this twisting this this new swirling within green becomes more and more prominent, more visible and more, more beautiful, most more or less stress. So if we think of ourselves as trees growing, and we don't like pressure, we don't like discomfort. We don't like inconvenience. We want to live nice, comfortable, easy, effortless lives. And that's really not good for us. Because it doesn't allow us to develop the inner beauty. That is an expression of strength and resilience and character and complexity. And if we nurture ourselves in one another, it's like polishing the wood. That what began as a symptom of stress and difficulty now becomes a manifestation of tremendous strength and beauty.

Margarita Gurri: 43:35

Wow. So for sure you didn't know that Jeff has this tree thing. I had

Yonason Goldson: 43:44

actually changed the word of the day to fit in with a previous part of the conversation.

Margarita Gurri: 43:49

Hopefully.

Yonason Goldson: 43:52

What, as soon as Jeff mentioned the treat,

Margarita Gurri: 43:54

you know what, Jeff, something's going right to the universe. I mean, that keyed on that was perfect.

Unknown: 44:01

I know we have a schedule. But can I add something to this? Well, yes. So So about a year ago, my mother died unexpectedly. Oh, sorry. And thank you, but Yana son and I had we had scheduled a coffee, and then they got rescheduled and rescheduled and rescheduled and then it was on reschedule for Thursday morning. My mom passed on a Wednesday night. And I'm like, I cleared my calendar for the next day. But I'm looking at this meeting with Jonathan and I'm like, What? What are the odds that that I would have this meeting at this morning at this time following the loss of my mom with my Orthodox Jewish rabbi friend, yeah, listen, we should keep this and we got together and we had the most amazing conversation and you want to talk about a mindset shift like I am so excited for our religion. because I don't believe you can handle mindset on your own. I feel like you need a team, you need that that's surrounding and, and Jarocin has been a phenomenal gift to me in that way and showing up at just the right time. So the fact that he's got this, this word picked fits with the larger narrative for our relationship.

Margarita Gurri: 45:21

I think that's lovely. I'm glad you have that, as well. We all need that.

Unknown: 45:26

Yeah. Yeah, you need a team. That's why it's habit 26. In my book,

Margarita Gurri: 45:33

needed team.

Yonason Goldson: 45:36

Excellent. Jeff, you want to leave us with a closing thought UI or another closing

Unknown: 45:42

the your your worth, although it never changes your perception of it does. So you have to hashtag wash your brain. It is not a one and done checkbox. It takes intentionality and consistency. That's why I wrote this book. That's why there are a bunch of other books out there, I would strongly recommend what Zig Ziglar said, you know, you wash your hands once you need to wash them again, because they get dirty, you brush your teeth once, we hope you brush them again, because they got dirty. Same thing with our minds. You know, right now we're talking about how everybody that you've ever met, or will ever meet is a 10 whether they act like it or whether they are treated like that or not. But plaque builds up and we get all these messages. I am not enough, I've make the mistake. Look what happened to me. And our value meter drops. The perception of the value meter drops, but in reality we are attend. So hashtag wash your brain because you are now have always been in will always be a 10.

Yonason Goldson: 46:48

Thank you, Jeff. And doctor before I hand it off for you to get the last word that you just reminded me of a story I may have told you here before, there is a there's a YouTube video worth watching. It's by a fella by the name of Randy Pausch. And he was invited to give it was called my last lecture. And for him, he had terminal cancer. And this was really going to be his last lecture. And it's an incredibly powerful presentation. But one of the things he said in there that really struck me. He said, If there's somebody you know that you really, really really can't stand, you can find no redeeming value in this person whatsoever. Give it time, be patient. The next week I bumped into a person that I had known for 20 years and never had a single pleasant interaction. And he just was a very nice, pleasant person.

Margarita Gurri: 48:01

What a coincidence.

Yonason Goldson: 48:02

Well, if you believe in coincidence,

Margarita Gurri: 48:04

I don't know, either.

Yonason Goldson: 48:07

But, you know, it's so hard to remember this in the moment. But your message to me, Jeff, is that we are all 10s on the inside. Yeah. And my job is to let you see the 10 in me. Yes. And your job is to show me the 10 in you. And if we all work on that, instead of looking for ways to devalue one another and devalue ourselves, we will, will have much better interactions, we'll feel better about ourselves and the world would be a better place. So thank you.

Unknown: 48:47

We'll never see worth and somebody else beyond what we see in ourselves starts with us. Nicely done.

Yonason Goldson: 48:54

Thank you, doctor. What's the last word?

Margarita Gurri: 48:58

The last word of the day? I do believe that. A lot of what was said today is pretty actionable. I mean, I think I think it's a thought that goes against what many people are taught that we all have 100% value. My mother would agree with that. She would say when I was a kid and being beat up by the bullies for being a Cuban in the, in the new school, that she would say God made this guy just this way, just the way he was supposed to be. And now you have an experience. You have to see beyond what he's doing now to the whole being and find the blessing in your life that he's there for you. I didn't appreciate that as a kid. But I certainly do now and I think Jeff that you and my mother would be agreeing that I think if we all help each other stand on that cornerstone of 10 the world would indeed be a more loving and peaceful and productive place. And God willing, no one would be hungry. No one would be hurting anybody. And I, I think that's a good thing to juggle is the as the mindset I know, I brought it back to what you did there. Yeah, thank you very much. You know, Jeff coat, cause attack. It's been such a pleasure to have you. I love that you've gone from juggling Jeff, to juggling Jeff, who makes a difference for leaders all around the world as the mindset Catalyst, and I put in your the best way to contact you with a core authenticity calm. And we look forward to having you back. And I can't wait to see your your new website because the old ones pretty cool.

Unknown: 50:55

Well, thank you, Doctor Margarita.

Margarita Gurri: 50:58

It's my pleasure, sir. Oh,

Unknown: 51:01

hey, and if you have time, you should check out my podcast, breakthrough moments. I feature amazing guests, not unlike Jonas Nicholson.

Margarita Gurri: 51:15

I'm writing it in for everybody. Great true moments. We'll have to wait. And watch and I believe

Yonason Goldson: 51:25

I'll be appearing in 2023. Is that right?

Unknown: 51:27

I believe as the current

Margarita Gurri: 51:30

guide Well, well, we'll look forward to hearing more about that and seeing how people can learn from what you have to say so that they can have an even more glorious life. Thank you so much for being on and we wish everybody a very wonderful week. From the rabbi in the shrink, we are ethically yours. You all take care