The Rabbi and The Shrink

#38: Sam Horn - The Ethics of Eloquence

November 18, 2021 Rabbi Yonason Goldson and Dr. Margarita Gurri, CSP Episode 38
The Rabbi and The Shrink
#38: Sam Horn - The Ethics of Eloquence
Show Notes Transcript

Do you suffer from infobesity?

How do you make billions in 60 seconds?

How do you avoid becoming a bore, a snore, and a chore?

These and other urgent topics are addressed when Tongue-fu black belt Sam Horn joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://samhorn.com/

https://www.tonguefu.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/samhorn/


1:30  We want to do things worth doing

We succeed through community

Access to the successful is a shortcut to success


4:30  Ink it when you think it

If we don’t write down ideas when they enter our minds, we will lose them

Make your life your lab

You will make a difference in others’ lives


7:00 Ethics requires us to market the truth to benefit others

Be intriguing to get people on the hook

Infobesitiy vs. intrigue: a practical technique

Alliteration makes ideas memorable

Rhyme and rhythm

Crafting a message changes lives


14:00 tonality and musicality

Read out loud to self edit

Shift from undesirable to desirable

How can the study of ethics make us less ethical?

The qualities of E.T.H.I.C.S.


20:00 Our expertise is perceived by the clarity of our thoughts

How to not be a bore, snore, or chore

How to make billions in sixty seconds

The goal is to raise eyebrows

  1.  Ask three “did you know” questions
  2. “Imagine this…”
  3. You don’t have to imagine

30:00 Words matter; every one of them

Don’t yell at a barking dog

What words can we use to get the desired behavior?

Ask for what we want

Real life examples have power


35:00 Why was the woman crying on the beach?

Arrogance vs. offerings

We have a responsibility to share the wisdom of our experience


39:00 How Tom got to Mission Control

Recognizing our abilities and accomplishments does not make us un-humble

What’s the greatest gift you can give someone else?

45:00 The word of the day: inconcinnity

lack of proportion and congruity; inelegance.

The way we phrase and frame our message determines how it is received

Showing order emerging from chaos is the way we broaden thinking

46:30 Too many people believe that happiness is selfish

Finding our gifts is the purpose of life; giving away our gifts is the meaning of life

Don’t wait until there’s no time left to do what you want to do



Margarita Gurri:

Welcome to the rabbi in the shrink. This is Dr Margarita Gurri, the shrink. Dr. Red Shoe. And this is my favorite Rabbi

Yonason Goldson:

Yonason Goldson

Margarita Gurri:

The rabbi and I are honored to have with us Sam Horn. Hi, Sam.

Sam Horn:

Hey, I've been looking forward to sharing some ideas with your viewers and listeners.

Margarita Gurri:

And we've been looking forward to learning. And once again, I thank the rabbi for having met you and brought you to the show. I think that that it's very exciting. When I was getting to know Sam online, the one thing that struck me is she walks the walk and talks the talk. Listen to some of her, her book titles, tongue foo, how to deflect, disarm and defuse any verbal conflict. Kung Fu get along better with anyone, anytime, anywhere, pop, create the perfect pitch, title and tagline for anything. If you're looking at these titles, you can see quickly that this is a wordsmith who helps individuals position their brand and their message so they can connect meaningfully and hopefully financially, make it worth her Wiles as well. I'm going to be putting links to all the different things that she's done. The main one is Sam horne.com. So let's get started. What are you? What are you working on these days that you think everyone needs to know?

Unknown:

One of the things I'm excited about is my writing community is called STOP WISHING START writing and 62nd story. I helped start and run the Maui Writers Conference which Writer's Digest called the best writers conference in the world. And we gave people an opportunity to jump the chain of command and you could pitch your screenplay to Ron Howard, you could pitch your novel to the head of double day, it was just unprecedented. And what happened is that it was so exciting being around other authors talking about our work, accessing best practices, and then we'd go home, and life would intervene and we put our projects on the shelf, and they never get finished. And so the purpose of this Writers Conference online, it's like going to one year round is that you always have encouraging and support and guidance and, and ideas you can put into use immediately. So that is what I'm excited about these days,

Yonason Goldson:

when you should be I mean, one of the challenges I think that many of us have is we'll go to conferences, we'll take programs, we'll learn with them, we'll read things in books, and we were all fired up. And then it just gets put on a shelf somewhere because life is distracting. And, you know, we want to do things that are worth doing. And to help people it's actually one of the teachings of the sages, that somebody who empowers another to do something is considered greater than somebody who doesn't himself. Oh, have you ever had the experience of helping your children do homework? And so that's, you know, you know, it's just easier if I do it myself. But I've already passed fourth grade. So it's a wonderful gift that you're giving people by providing a service like this.

Unknown:

You know, thank you so much is that, as you know, is that all of the research shows that when we're in community, that is when we sustained effort and performance. It's why Alcoholics Anonymous weight watchers have been so successful, is it we're not going in alone. And when we run out of discipline, or when we run out of conviction or faith, there's someone else who's been there done that and who can be the wind underneath our wings. And that's one of the intent is that we have an inside the author studio, kind of our version of Bravo's Inside the Actor's Studio where we interview best, best selling authors. It's like pull back the curtain, did you have a dark night of the soul? How did you get through that? You know, how did you get your agent is like what was something that surprised you about the process? And when we have access to people who have been there done that and who reveal their lessons learned it's a shortcut, so that we don't have to learn them the hard way?

Margarita Gurri:

Well, let's, I know that you're going to give us so much information. So before people get into listening too much. At the end of the podcast, what can they do to not just be overwhelmed and put you on a shelf? What do you suggest they do? So that they take action with all the things that you say, or at least some of them?

Unknown:

Well, there's something we can do right now. And in 17 years of Maui Writers Conference, this is the only thing all of our authors agreed on ready inkitt when you think it we make a living from our mind, and we may get an idea we think oh I should remember that, oh, I should, I should use that in a blog tomorrow, oh, I should talk about that with my client or with my employees. And then it's out of sight and out of mind. That's why we're supposed to jot thoughts when they're hot. We're supposed to Muse it, so we don't lose it. So I hope you get paper and pen right now, or you get otter.ai. Or you get ever, ever a note on your computer. And if something occurs to you, if it gets your eyebrows up, write it down. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, we should watch those gleams of light which flash across the mind from within. Let's not just watch him. Let's write him down. That's it.

Yonason Goldson:

Yeah, so crosskeys, carry a pad with him all the time, because musical ideas would pop into his head. And he said, if you didn't write the write down, they just go out the other shot.

Unknown:

He says, and let's really imprint This is not petty, this is pivotal. It is if you are a creative individual, our life is our lab. We are constantly hearing or seeing things that resonate with us. And if we ignore them, the Muse gets ticked, the Muse thinks I'm giving you a goal here, you're not even paying attention. So I promise you that if you make your life your lab, and that if something gets your eyebrows up, it means it broke through your mental screen, that it has some value that will scale, the relevancy and the recency of your work. And if you make a practice of writing it down, you are going to add value to more people because it will get their eyebrows up. It will help make your work fresh and resonant and organic and original in a way that few people's work is.

Yonason Goldson:

Wow.

Margarita Gurri:

And that reminds me of something the rabbi was saying you were talking about marketing in integrity. Did I get that quote? Right, Rabbi?

Yonason Goldson:

Yeah, marketing and trigger are actually marketing the truth, truth. Okay. The truth is something we would like to believe sells itself. But we know from experience, that it just doesn't work that way. And that, you know, a good soundbite can promote what's true or can promote what's not true? Because we know marketing, we know salespeople, we know the business. And how wonderful is it to be able to communicate an AI that it's true, that's valuable, that's going to help people in a way that makes it so compelling, that they are going to take advantage of it for their own benefit. And then that's why Sam, I love your, your, your, your your single word of intrigue. Because when you get people I mean, I taught high school for 23 years. And one of the classic rules of teaching school and Anna speaking, is you need to start with a hook. You need to get people on the hook. Because once you do, then they're going to have to shake themselves off, as opposed to not having them there in the beginning. So, you know, it's part of our ethical mission. It's not enough to be ethical. It's not it's not enough to teach ethics. It's our job to get other people to recognize how important ethics are in their lives for the benefit of all of us. Boy,

Unknown:

what you just said is profound. And once again, I hope people have paper and pen in front of them. We're going to follow up on what you just said, Rabbi and make it actionable. First, put a vertical line down the center of your paper. People ask how my mind works, I juxtapose everything I think it is the quickest way to make a complex idea crystal clear and actionable. So right now vertical line down the center. And over on the left put important just because something is important doesn't make it interesting over on the right foot interesting. Now you just brought up an intriguing concept is it it is our ethical mission to make what's important intriguing correct. So how do we do that? Over on the left please put forgettable because a lot of ideas or info obesity they're they're forgettable they go in one year they go in one eye out the other. So how can we make them over on the right memorable? How can we shift from info obesity to intrigue from being forgettable to memorable? Would you like a quick technique on on how anyone can do that? Yes, please.

Margarita Gurri:

Okay,

Unknown:

please write down a i r let's use the acronym or the across stick a ir. This is how we craft a language or an idea into a soundbite or phrase that pays. Or a mean that makes money. So A is alliteration. You know, just listen to these words bed toilet and shower. Dunkin croissants rolls Jaguar best purchase clunky right? Now let's make them alliterative alliteration are words that start with the same sound. It makes us instantly eloquent. It makes our language lyrical, Bed Bath and Beyond. Dunkin Donuts Best Buy. So look at the action you want people to take, and the change you want people to make. Okay, right now all of you have a project in mind. You know you something you want to get funding for something that you want people to sign up for something you want people to change a belief in? What is the action you want them to take? What is the change you want them to make? And distill it into one sentence. Now we're going to use the airtight sound bite to make that sentence pop. So first, does it have alliteration? Are you using words that start with the same sound because if you are, you're going to make it resonate in a way that people find it harmonious and musical and pleasing to the ear and mind and heart. Alright, let's go to IR and then I'll stop talking. We can do it. Or let's have questions or comments. I as I am Vic meter. When you put it in a beat, you make it easy to repeat, when you put it in a beat you make it easy to repeat, Rabbi I can only imagine, you know about the power of rhythm about, you know, the, the the oratory that is visceral, because it resonates with the beating of the heart. It has a cadence to it. When you know for when we say takes a lickin and keeps on ticking. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. Those are 50 years old. And yet they are on the tip of our tongue the top of our mind. You know, Las Vegas said what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas has driven more than a billion dollars worth of business, because it sticks in people's mind. So read your sentence. Does it have a rhythm, a cadence that makes it easy to repeat? Are is for Rhyme. Rhyme is sublime, because it's remembered over time. So as a nation, I better practice what I preach, right? I as I am big meter or inflection and R is wrong. Now, some people may be thinking, Ah, this is just semantics. It's just wordplay. No, it's not wordplay, it's word profits. Here's a quick example it changes lives is that years ago, the US government was concerned about injuries and fatalities and car accidents. They mounted a multi million dollar campaign, and they mounted it and nothing happened. Why? Because it was so clunky. Buckle up for safety. Oh, do you see those words don't ring they don't resonate. They're quickly forgotten. And so they went back to the drawing board. And this time, they came up with something that rhymed. You probably know what I'm talking about. What is

Margarita Gurri:

it? That get a ticket? Click It or Ticket boom.

Unknown:

Now listen, say totalities went down. Injuries went down. They changed lives by thinking about the action they want people to take and the change they want them to make and crafting it into a sentence that has saved lives. That's the power of what we're talking about to make the important, intriguing. And the forgettable memorable?

Margarita Gurri:

Wow, I'm blown away. That's not so easy. For me.

Yonason Goldson:

It was a mic drop moment.

Margarita Gurri:

You know, absolutely. Alright, so let's think about the rabbi in the shrink. We came to that name organically. I got disappointed in America because of the uncivil and unkind and hateful way. We were all tweeting and, and doing things like that I was so disappointed. And I'm from Cuba as Amit, I know, I thought no, we're not going to be that way we can do better. So I thought, well, I'm going to do a podcast. And immediately the rabbi popped into my head as someone I wanted to be as a co host. So when I made the first meeting, we just said I just wrote down the rabbi in the shrink. I said it out loud. And I started laughing. And I said, maybe that's the title. So I don't know if that's a good title or not. And I don't know what else, what advice you would give us and then those of you in the audience, please ask for advice as well let her do what she does best.

Yonason Goldson:

It is kind of interesting that the the, the shrink of the rabbi, which you know, could just as easily have been, it doesn't seem to have a sound cadence to it.

Margarita Gurri:

It doesn't.

Unknown:

Okay? It's very interesting. See, you are listening for the tonality of it. You're listening for the musicality of it. And if we listen correctly, every writer knows this before we send something off, we read it out loud. Because when we read it out loud, we'll self edit that what that doesn't sound right, that sounds too long. That's confusing, and, and hearing, it will help us correct it and clean it up. So it sings. So let's talk about See, I think you have brand equity right now in the rabbi on the shrink. And so I think it's working. So I would continue that to honor your brand equity. Now we get to play though, is that put a vertical line down the center. And over on the left, I just took notes on what you said, Dr. Red Shoe, you're talking about hateful. So see, if we put hateful on the left over on the right foot, we're gonna play heartful, right, from hateful to Hartville. Over on the left is a cruel, how to be kind in a cruel world right? Over on the left, put canceled culture, and now put compassionate. So do you see, the beauty of this is that you show the shift, you acknowledge what's wrong, or what's undesirable. And then your podcasts, your programs, your mission, the river that runs through your work is how to shift us from a Kancil culture to be kind, you know, from cruel to be compassionate from being hateful to being harmful. And that's just one idea about how in your descriptions of your work in listening for the sound bites that popped out of your interviews, if you continue to do this, it will elevate the description of your work. In a way, once again, people will respond to it, because it's just uncommon to craft things so elegantly.

Margarita Gurri:

As you so well just now demonstrated. Wow. That's

Yonason Goldson:

interesting. There is a very disturbing study that found that people who are known as ethicists demonstrate no more and perhaps less ethical behavior than average. Wow. And there's the speculation about why that should be I remember hearing that the the books that are most frequently stolen or not returned to the library are in the ethics section.

Unknown:

Wow, you have to laugh, but it's

Yonason Goldson:

really, it's really distressing. Yes, some say that when if you keep things cerebral, if it's all philosophical, then might end up doing is I end up developing tricks to excuse and rationalize the behavior that I want. And it never translates into my actual conduct. And so what the conversation we're having is, Sam, as you are demonstrating how to articulate a message, your message is to be articulate. And you are articulating that. So even though it's all verbal, you are walking the talk. And that that's a principle that we want to extend to every aspect of our lives that consistency, that integrity, integrity comes to the word integer, which means whole whole person. And it's, it's a discipline, as you as you started off saying, we need to in fact, our acronym for ethics, the S is self discipline. Because whatever,

Margarita Gurri:

Rabbi, I love your acronym, we made some changes. Mostly he is I just added one letter.

Yonason Goldson:

So so the E is is empathy. We want to be sensitive when people are feeling that he has trust or trustworthiness. We want people to trust us. And that means we have to trust them. The humility that we're willing to reconsider, and hear other people's points of view, and part of that is to be inquisitive. Which means that we're curious, and we're interested in other people's points of view. The C is courage. Because sometimes it's hard to contemplate that maybe I don't have the whole picture maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I need to reconsider. And then the so self discipline is it's not it's not a list of check the boxes. It's a process that we After going through, over and over and over,

Unknown:

see, you've just modeled something my high school debate coach told me, he said, Sam, our expertise is perceived by the organization of our thoughts. Right? See, we can be the world's expert. However, for all over the map, you know, people are gone, right? They conclude we don't know what we're talking about. Because we're not clear and organized. You know, that framework of ETHI CS, you know, empathy and trust. And is it humility? Ah, yes, I for inquisitiveness, see for courage as for self discipline, you have just taken an enormous topic and you have distilled it, you have done our homework for us, by distilling it into memorable best practices that are easy to remember hard to forget. So see, you care about this topic, and you're doing the heavy lifting. You understand that? If I want other people to care about it, and access it and do it and remember that it's my responsibility as a communicator to make that possible for them, and you just did. Kudos.

Margarita Gurri:

He's very good at that. Yeah.

Unknown:

Well, can we talk about another idea that makes us easy to remember and hard to forget? Yes, please. Okay. Well, I think one of your guests on the podcast, talks about is an inventor and is looking for funding and is looking for how perhaps she can get people interested in her invention. Is that fair to say? Yes. Okay. So let's, let's all think about something and we want to get a yes to it. We want approval on this project, we want funding for this idea or invention. We want the green light or the go ahead for this initiative. So you know me vircle I'm down the center around the left put tell how we've been taught to tell people what we're going to tell them and then tell them and then tell them what we told them. That is a prescription for being a bar snore or chore. You know? Really, it's Nancy F. Cohen. This is not just my opinion, Nancy of Cohen from Harvard found goldfish have longer attention spans, and we do goldfish nine seconds, human beings, eight seconds. So see if we try to tell people about our idea or our project or our invention, you know, it's like probably boring or confusing. And confused. People don't say yes. And they don't keep listening. So over on the right, we're going to ask, in particular, we're going to do these three steps. Now first story, because I believe one way to make info obesity intriguing is to give a real life example. So here's a real life example. And then if you would like we'll unpack how we can do this. So I think some of you may know that I was the pitch coach for Springboard enterprises, which has helped women entrepreneurs generate 26 billion in valuation and funding billion with a B. This is Robin chases Zipcar, Gail Goodman, Constant Contact. Congratulations. Well, thank you. And congratulations to them for building these businesses that have added so much value. So Kathleen, calendar, Farmer jet was a client and she came to me, Sam, I got good news. And I've got bad news. And I said, what's the good news? She was speaking in front of a roomful of investors at the Paley Center in New York, said, that's fantastic news. What's the bad news? And now you have rabbi, you've seen my TEDx talk, so that, you know, I tell this story in the TEDx talk, because it's helped people around the world get people intrigued in what it is they care about. So when I asked Kathleen, what's the bad news? She said, I'm going at 230 in the afternoon, and I only have 10 minutes. She said, Sam, you can't say anything in 10 minutes. You know, how can I talk about, you know, our patent pending and our clinical trials and our financial exit and our team credentials? And I said, Kathleen, you don't have 10 minutes? Yes. 60 seconds. You're going to 230 in the afternoon, they will have heard 16 other presentations by that time. Well, here's the 62nd opening we came up with that not only helped Kathleen get millions in funding, she was business week's most promising social entrepreneur of that year. Okay, 60 seconds. Ready. Ready. Okay. Now remember, this was a few years ago, statistics have changed in the year sense. What she said was, did you know there are 1.8 billion vaccinations given every year. Did you know up to a third of them are given with re used needles. Did you know we're spreading and perpetuating the very diseases we're trying to prevent? Imagine if there were a one year painless inoculation for a fraction of the current cost. Please don't have to imagine it. We're doing it and she's off and running. Now are your eyebrows up? Do you know how Kathleen used to describe what she did? That it was a medical delivery device for subcutaneous inoculations? It's a one. No one, look at those eyebrows. See, when we explain to people what we do, or we try and tell them about their project, if their eyebrows are crunched up like this, it means they're confused. And once again, confused, people don't say yes, our goal is to get the eyebrows up. And here's how you can do it First Step. Ask three Did you know questions about the problem you're solving about the issue you're addressing? Or about the need you're meeting? And you're thinking, Sam, where do I find these startling statistics ugts That I guarantee you whatever your industry is, your problem is your issue is if you put into Google search, what are surprising statistics about blank about the pharma industry about you know, stress about parenting about leadership, you're going to come up with something even you didn't know. And if you don't know it, and your eyebrows go up, chances are your listeners eyebrows will go up. That means you just got what you cared about in their mental door, because they're smarter than they were a moment before. All right, next step is it's for imagine that one word, that one word has the power to pull us out of our preoccupation. Imagine this, and this, and this? What are the attributes of your invention? What are the benefits of your project? What are the potential results of whatever it is you're proposing? Now? How do you come up with those? Let's go back to Kathleen calendar. What are her decision makers thinking with her probably thinking about those painful inoculations? So we made it painless, probably thinking about those reuse needles. So we made it one use. Most decision makers care about money. So he said a fraction of the current cost. Do you see how in a world of info obesity, we distilled into one succinct sentence uh, who wouldn't want that? That's your goal. Imagine this and this and this and people are thinking, challenge good, would love that. Go to your third step. You don't have to imagine it. We're doing it. Now you come in with your precedents and your evidence to show this isn't speculative or pie in the sky, this is a done deal. You know, you and your team have done it here. Here's the track record are the results. Here's the testimonial, here's the article. You can do all that in 60 seconds, ask three. You did? No. Did you no questions. You know, imagine this this this? You don't have to imagine it that. That's how we get people intrigued. And what's important?

Margarita Gurri:

Well, I'm intrigued. I, the whole thing is fascinating. You have really done the heavy lifting on that you've unpacked one of the secrets and thanks for sharing it very

Yonason Goldson:

well, one of the big good devotee of George Orwell. And one of one of his quotes is that may not get this exactly right. But essentially, if if, if unclear thought, causes unclear speech, then unclear speech can cause also cause unclear thought. Now there was we think in words. So if we don't have command of our language, whether because we don't have the skills or the discipline, then we simply aren't communicating clear. But we also aren't thinking clearly, we don't have a grasp on our own ideas. And you've done such a beautiful job of demonstrating that less really is much, much more. And that you know, I can remember to, I can remember distinctly two lectures I attended, where the lecture had something really worthwhile to say. And I cannot for the life of me tell you what it was. Because it took so long to make the point that all I ended up with was a sense of frustration, but you just get to it. And in the end, it didn't stick. Yeah, I get stored on electrics where I wanted to, I wanted the information, and it just wouldn't stick because it was communicated so but frankly, ineptly Wow. So again, it comes up to our responsibility. I have something of value. My job is to get it to you. It's not your job to get it from me.

Unknown:

For you, this is near and dear to my heart. In fact was Seth Godin gave the cover endorsement for my book pop. And he said words matter, every one of them. And this book will change the way you use them. And another project I'm working on right now I'm very excited about it's it's the updating of Tang Wu, Tang foo has been out in the world for 25 years. Wow. And now just please put a vertical down, line down your center, over on the left, put words to loose. And over on the right, please put words to us. Because rabbi, what you just said is that words are our responsibility. I went for a morning walk. And there was a woman with her two young kids. And you know what she's saying to them? Stop throwing rocks. A minute later, guess what they're still doing? They're throwing rocks. What does she say? When are you going to listen to me? I said, Stop throwing rocks. What are they doing a moment later? They're throwing rocks. What does she do? She says, That's it. We're leaving. The kids are crying, she's upset they leave. Now here's the thing. That's why the new name for the tongue fu book is never yell at a barking dog. Right? Because if you yell at a barking dog, he thinks great. Now we're both barking. And in our world where people are angry, and so forth, we react to that we use words with that, right? And we make it worse. So as you're saying over on the left is stopped throwing rocks. So I'll ask what could what words could we use instead? To get the desired behavior instead of the dreaded behavior? Well, it's like, put the rocks down, come on over to the swing, right? Or give me the rocks. And let's head over to the slide. Ask for what we do want. You're a psychologist, Dr. Read

Margarita Gurri:

is called, maybe we're gonna do this. Yeah, it's called prescribing the sickness, say, Let me see who has the biggest rock or the most Blue Rock or whatever, bring it to me, good job. Let's see if you can collect more. So instead of stopping something, you've now put it under your their, your control, and everyone's moving forward. So it's the same thing. That's interesting. The other thing I love that you're so good at, and the robot is really good at it too, is to not just tell people stuff, but to intrigue people enough and invite their feelings to the party. So that it means something. And I think people remember what moves them. And I think that you showed that beautifully. I'm, I'm in credibly excited by what you're saying. I can't wait to work on my sheet of paper.

Unknown:

You know, thank you and see, thank you for picking up real life examples, I believe are so much more useful than rhetoric. Always talk all day, right about concepts and philosophies and principles. Can we ground them in real life examples? Because it is a Socratic face saving way for people to come to it on their own. So instead of feeling scolded or even lectured or taught, they're going, Oh, I just did that yesterday. And now I have a better way. So it's like instead of Don't interrupt me, it's like, Please let me finish instead of you better not come in late again, please be five minutes early tomorrow. And so once again, we can take responsibility for using words that plant what we do want, instead of punish what we don't want. Why wait?

Yonason Goldson:

I was I was teaching a class and this one student, extremely bright young lady. And I, I've always relied heavily on the Socratic method. And I still remember she, she was just, why can't you just tell us the answer? Of course, the point was, I wanted to show them that they could come up with the answers on their own. But again, it takes work it takes it's so much easier to sit back and be spoon fed. But then we never learned how to pick up a spoon.

Margarita Gurri:

As one of my clients once said, don't make me think, just tell me what to say. Ah, that's interesting, isn't it? Well, eventually, everyone has to get to the point where they're excited about what they have to say. And I think that's part of what you're doing. Sam, you're giving people ways of thinking about it. So they could step up in an exciting interesting way and share what it is they were born on earth. To share, and they can share it in an interesting way.

Unknown:

And let's bring up something else that I think is the river in our conversation over on the left, let's put arrogant. And over on the right, let's put offering because I know a lot of people well, 69 Do we have time for a 92nd story? We do. Okay. Very first year of the Maui Writers Conference, I'm walking the beach to get my intro straight. And here's a woman sitting on the beach crying. And I went over, I said, are you okay? And she said, No, I'm not okay. I said, what's happening? And you know what? She said? I don't belong here. Oh, I said, You don't belong here. She said, Who am I right? She said, It's like you're putting yourself up on the pedestal? I know you don't. It's kind of arrogant. She said, I just don't know if I belong here. And I asked her what, what do you want to write about? And she and her husband had adopted a biracial child who was very challenging. And she said, I went to the library, I went to the bookstore to try to find books to help. And they're all these Pollyanna books about what a blessing it is to be an adoptive parent that just made me feel worse. She said, I want to write the book I need I can't find. And I said, what's an example about what you want to write about? She thought about and she said, I want to write about the time that Laurie was three years old, and I fixed spaghetti for dinner. And he reaches across the table and he grabs a handful of spaghetti and he throws it in my face. And my first thought was, my son would never have done that. And the shame that I felt that that thought had even occurred to me. And I said, What else and she said, I want to write about no matter how challenging Arias, when it's time to send pictures of him to his birth mother, I edit out the cute ones, because I live in daily fear. She's going to change your mind and want him back. And I said, Jana, the question isn't, are you perfect? The question isn't, do you have a PhD? Or is this ever been written about before said you know what the question to ask is, with someone reading my book benefit. Because of someone reading your book will benefit not only do you have the right to write, you have a responsibility to write, you know, have we ever thought about it that way that lessons learned in our head? Help no one, that if we have ideas that are an offering, not coming from arrogance, I know and you don't know, I'm going to teach, you know, here's some things I've learned along the way, and I'm going to offer them in the hopes they might have value for you. You have a responsibility. And if you go on Amazon, and you look up secret thoughts of an adoptive mother, by Jana Wolf, there's her book, it's been out in the world for more than 20 years. Now. She says not a week goes by that she didn't get an email from someone who says I thought I was the only one. Oh,

Margarita Gurri:

that's wonderful. That was brilliant. And so very kind how you manage that. So I have a question that I know the rabbi and I have been addressing, we know many people who truly have wonderful things to share. And yet the way they think of themselves and the way they think about business keeps them from presenting themselves as if they are a valuable business commodity. And so they don't ask for the money, or they don't ask for enough or they're apologetic about it. And I know you could address this issue. I have faith.

Unknown:

Okay, well, now you know me and stories, right. And by the way, I really do believe that the best way hopefully to make the point is to give the example. So if we have time for the example and we'll unpack it, it's okay, I'm going to condense this here. My son's Tom and Andrew grew up on Maui, we would go for a walk and rolls every night. One time when Tom was about eight, I asked him what he wanted to be in what he wanted to do. He just kind of looked up at the sky and said something to do with up there. And little could we have predicted that he would end up going to Virginia Tech and majoring in aerospace engineering. Oh, the math and physics. And a week before he graduated up on the Virginia Tech job board was a job opening at mission control and Johnson Space Center at NASA in Houston, Texas. So Tom filled out his application and he sent it to me. And he asked what I thought I said, Tom, it's brilliant. You just left off one thing. She said, What's that? I said you forgot to mention that you and your collegiate team won the internet national competition to put a manned mission on Mars. Oh, wow. Guess what Tom said. But mom, that would be bragging. I said Tom put yourself in the shoes of the decision makers, you are one of many. You're one of many people have a four point GPA one of many people have multiple majors, you're one of many people who, if you want that job, if you think you would do a good job at that job, it is your responsibility to tell them how you are one of a kind in a way that is relevant to that position that they haven't heard before. Tom put that on his application. He got the interview, he got the job. Every day, Tom works in Mission Control, where he and his team are responsible for the environment on top of the ISS, he noticed a very attractive astronauts scheduler astronaut on a date he married her, they now have two little astronauts. And none of that would have happened. If Tom hadn't stepped up on his behalf. And understood it is not bragging to talk about what we've done that we would like to offer that could contribute to someone else.

Margarita Gurri:

And it is not sinful, to be paid for something that changes the world and saves lives.

Yonason Goldson:

This is a delightful story. From the couple 1000 years ago, and the stages were discussing the state of spirituality in the world. And the decline of spirituality in the world. And one of the sages says, you know and in this generation, humility has disappeared from the world. And listened to one of his colleagues. What about me? Well, how could a person say, what about me? I know when I'm humble, I'm still humble. If you say that you're not humble, right? No. Because I love Rick Warren's both that humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less. And I can be if I'm genuinely humble. I recognize that if I'm genuinely talented, I recognize that what makes me humble if I don't think it makes me better than other people, if I don't exploit it at the expense of others, if I recognize that God gave me that ability for me to use in the service of others. If I'm the greatest pitcher in baseball, it's not. I don't, there's that false humility. I don't say, oh, you know, no, I'm not really that good. Well, that's just ridiculous. Of course, not that good. I can still be humble. It's the trend. It's a question of how I relate to my talents. Absolutely. And, you know, the greatest gift do we say it's better to give than to receive. So what's the greatest gift you can give somebody else the opportunity to give. What you're describing here, Sam, is that by helping others recognize how they can use their talents. And there are abilities and take and create opportunities, you're giving them the opportunity to give to the world, and there really is no greater gift.

Margarita Gurri:

And the only thing I'm going to change is gift is a word we're using in a fancy way. But that doesn't mean has to be free. I do believe that anyone giving a gift can be a professional and expect to be paid well. And regularly. And this is something that I deal with our colleagues we're both speakers. Regularly, whether it's just a an informal conversation or coaching. If we don't believe in our worth, why should anyone else but we have to continue to earn it we can't get sloppy and lazy.

Yonason Goldson:

Well, Doctor, I've heard it said that. In psychology therapy doesn't help unless you pay for it. Is that right?

Margarita Gurri:

Well, there's a lot of truth to it. Even if it's just even people who don't have the money I make them give hours to somebody else. You know, when I you know, when I had my practice now I don't so yes, I think we're it's our value. And just to joke my twin sister and I always say but I am the most modest or humble. In this case, we can say no, I am the most humble. And so we laugh at that. We don't have to fall into that to know our worth. So say I think you are bursty. So what I'm going to do is ask the rabbi do the word of the day. And then we'll come back to you. And I know you have some pithy sound bites for us, because I can see, I could see it in your, in your face rabbi.

Yonason Goldson:

Word of the Day, which is chosen just for our guests, Sam horn, in consente. In consente, which is a lack of proportion and congruent or in elegance. And I don't even really have to explain much about this anymore. Because, Sam, what your whole message is, is taking ideas that may appear to be in Congress, and demonstrating how they fit together. expressing ourselves in a way that is elegant, because that elegance communicates the idea that is going to help other people. And in our quest to be ethical. As we've already said, it is our responsibility to be disciplined, to be clear, to be compelling to be intriguing. So that others will recognize the value of our message in a way that benefits them and those around them.

Unknown:

Wow. Well, I agree. Thank you. And I have so many things to say, I'm going to try and select one that's in alignment with what you just said. Do we have time for like a 62nd? Story? Yes, we do. Okay. So, six years ago, last week, I had finished a very intense console, and my son Andrew called, and he says something in my voice. And he said, What's up mom. And I said, Andrew, I'm so exhausted, I don't even know if I can get on the plane tonight. I've got to fly back to DC then fly back to the west coast for keynote. He said something so profound, it changed my life. He said, Mom, there's something about you, I don't understand. You have your own business. You're an entrepreneur, you can do anything you want, and you're not taking advantage of it. And I thought out of the mouths of 20 Somethings. And I gave away 95% of what I owned, and I headed out on my ear by the water. And I interviewed people, you know, are you happy? If so why? So if not, why not? And what I discovered is that the vast majority of people feel that happiness is selfish. And that responsibility and duty comes first. And I will always remember interviewing a 35 year old young man who had full time job, as did his wife, two kids, one was special needs. And I said what's your dream? And you know what he said? I don't dream anymore. It's too painful. Oh. And see, I think we all agree that doing what lights us up is not selfish. It is our gift. Pablo Picasso said finding our gifts is the purpose of life, giving away our gifts is the meaning of life. And if there's something that we do well, if we've invented something if we've launched something, and we think it could add value to others, and it lights us up, it is not selfish to do that. It is a way to add value in the world. That is our contribution. And so I guess if I were going to say something in summary, it's Paulo Coelho said one day, you're going to wake up, and there won't be any time left to do what you've always wanted to do. And in doing what we've always wanted to do that lights us up, we will often find that that is our gift and our contribution because it lights other people up as well. Well,

Margarita Gurri:

I'm grateful you found your gift

Yonason Goldson:

as well. Thank you, Sam, that was a wonderful way of wrapping up this discussion and for sharing your wisdom with us and inspiring us and giving us clear tactics that we can use to actually put this wisdom into practice. So thank you very much for that.

Unknown:

Thank you to both of you. It's been a joy.

Yonason Goldson:

The last word for us.

Margarita Gurri:

Oh, I always have a last word, sir. My last word I'm going to stick to what Sam had said about happiness. So as a psychologist, one of the things I think that people do in their thinking and then their efforts is to make a mistake. Happiness cannot be a goal. It is a choice but it is the outcome of making Good choices of being who we need to be doing what we need to do, being good people. So many people say I want to be happy, well then do the work. Think about what you need. Now who would have thought that a woman like you would get rid of all this stuff and go live on the water? Well, it makes perfect sense to me. Because I know people who follow their instincts and step away from the herd, or their sense of obligation that's in a little box, right? So I say if you want to be happy, listen to Sanborn and find what it is. It's on your left and right column. And find an elegant way to say it and live it. I want to say thank you very much, Sam horn. And of course, Rob, I'm always delighted that you're on and we will see everyone next Tuesday at 1230. Sam horn calm is the motherlode. Find her out there and I'm going to check out her writing community because I know lots of people who need every bit of that Spirit and wisdom that you have showed us today. Thank you once again. Mahalo. Mahalo.